


Knight In Shining Armor Ultimatum

by girlskylark



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Based on that Tangled AU, Dick Jokes, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Inspired by Tangled (2010), Keith is the thirstiest man in the world, Keith just wants the D, M/M, Pidge and Hunk are conartists, Rapunzel Keith, Sex, Sexual Humor, Will add tags along the way, a lot of cussing, eventual gore, inappropriate Skyrim references, semi-fantasy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-10 07:52:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11122953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlskylark/pseuds/girlskylark
Summary: Pidge just wants the fame and fortune that comes with finding and saving The Long Lost Prince Keith from the tower in which he resides. Unfortunately, Keith refuses to exit the tower without fucking his knight in shining armor—in other words, Pidge is not on the menu. She and her partner in crime, Hunk, go on a journey for the D that satisfies Keith's list of requirements, all for the unlimited fortunes that they would receive in return for saving the Prince.DISCLAIMER: This is literally just for fun and not serious whatsoever.





	1. damsel standards

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheSpace_Dragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpace_Dragon/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ Mogi for encouraging my ridiculous ramblings 24/7 because no normal person comes up with an idea like this.

Pidge was completely done with Hunk’s bullshit at this point. The guy was one big infuriating ball anxiety that was on the verge of pissing Pidge straight off the edge of a cliff—literally. It wasn’t every day she had to deal with scaling large, vertical surfaces despite what people tended to assume from her short height. Well, yes, she had to scale cabinets to get to the top shelf, but that was barely sufficient preparation for climbing a full-blown cliff face.

“Careful!”

“I am, you fuck,” she seethed, teeth gritted as she pushed off the wall and dropped several more feet with the slack Hunk gave her. She landed with grace at the bottom of the cliff, and untied the rope from the latches around her hips. From high above, she could see Hunk’s worried face peering down at her. “Are you coming or what?” she yelled.

“I think I might stay up here,” he shouted down, ducking away from the ledge.

Pidge threw her arms down and groaned aloud. “Fine, I’ll just come back from you, all right?”

“Okay, that sounds good,” he squeaked, and half of it got caught in the wind because Pidge was already turning on her heels and marching away from the ledge. “Don’t get hurt! Be safe!” he shouted after her as she pushed through the forest listening to his echoes of anxiousness. “Come back in one piece…”

She muttered curses under her breath as she punched branches and kicked through the foliage. Mother Nature? Who was she? Pidge didn’t know her. Whatever the case she got to the other side of that forest in a jiffy and what do you know? She arrived at her destination. From up on the cliff they could see it, but from that far away she couldn’t possibly fathom the size of it.

So perhaps they were doing this for the greater good, which they told themselves for the greater good of Hunk’s conscience. But really, Pidge stared dumbly at the tower and thought to herself, _Is the money and fame really worth it?_

Hell yes.

She’d just have to shimmy up the tower, no problem. Their anonymous tip was right so far about there being a tower in the midst of a ravine so… how wrong could they be to assume The Long Lost Prince was there as well? Pidge knew that the second she saw a semi-abandoned tower, she instantly thought The Lost Prince was there—it was _totally_ a rational thought. 

“Prince Keith!” she shouted up, walking with long, straight strides as she sarcastically added, “I’m here to rescue you!”

There wasn’t an answer, so she shouted again. Still nothing.

She shrugged as if to say, “Fuck it,” and got her spikes ready for the climb.

The tower itself was erect with a wide base—a girl like Pidge who was straighter would assume it was a dick but who was she to say otherwise? It was made of mortared stone with windows stationed near the tip, encircling the rounded peak of the rooftop. From so close up you couldn’t really see that it was a dick, and since it was surrounded by trees they couldn’t really see the balls of it from the cliff. But it was definitely a dildo for a giant.

She stabbed the mortar of it with her pick and hoisted herself up slowly but surely. By the time she was halfway up, she was sweating like the dickens and it was starting to soak through the back of her sleeveless shirt strapped around the middle by a wide belt. She glanced over her shoulder and wondered if Hunk could see her now. 

_Almost there_ , she promised herself, and when she was close enough to the first window, she called out, “ _Prince Keith are you there?!_ ”

She _swore_ she heard something from inside, and could have passed it off as the howling of the wind up here, but it sounded too much like a body hitting the ground. And then she heard, “Fuck—I thought you were a woodpecker.”

She grabbed onto the ledge with her hand, and hoisted herself up. She came face-to-face with a set of _heavy-duty metal bars_ , and they completely caged in the guy hurrying up to the window, and leaning against it to meet Pidge’s gaze. 

“You’re the size of a woodpecker though, aren’t you?” he commented.

She squinted at him. “You want me to save you or not? You’re the Prince, right?”

He leaned back and folded his arms over his chest. His hair was heavy and black, and curled around his chin and shoulders as he shrugged, indifferent. “Would you be up here if I _wasn’t_?” he asked. “Besides what are you? You aren’t the knight in shining armor I was expecting.”

“I bet you weren’t expecting _anyone_ , you dick,” she snapped. “It’s no wonder you’ve been up here twenty years considering your attitude.”

“Ex _cuse_.”

“You called me a fucking woodpecker!”

“A rational thought for someone who wasn’t _expecting anyone_. Though to be fair, I don’t get many woodpeckers up here,” he confessed, and with a toss of his hair added, “I’m not exactly the princess who attracts a whole lot of wildlife, you know.”

Pidge sighed, her excitement of finding The Lost Prince vanishing in an instant. So _this_ was the kind of shit she’d have to deal with getting out of here? She couldn’t imagine having to see Prince Keith after all this for commemorative award shows, elegant feasts, beautiful, lavish walks in the royal garden…

“Fuck it,” she muttered. “We’re breaking you out of here. C’mon, help me with the bars.”

“Fuck no,” he scoffed.

“What do you mean?” she argued. “You wanna get the fuck out of here or not?”

He turned his nose up at her, squinting menacingly. “I asked for a knight in shining armor. I didn’t wait twenty years up here for pussy, I’ll have you know. If I wanted that I could just ask Allura.”

“Who in the fucking hell is _Allura_?” she blurted out in a furious hiss. “Also, who names their daughter ‘ _Allura’_? Sounds like a prostitute to me.”

“Well, what’s your name?”

“Pidge.”

He leaned in, teeth bared. “ _Who the hell names their daughter ‘Pidge’ anyway_?” Keith seethed back. “I’m not leaving.”

She smacked her hands against the bar, saying, “Yes you are! Fucking help me out here, c’mon! Your father’s pitching a hefty price, you know.”

“I’m not leaving with a _girl—_ I have damsel _standards_ ,” he insisted, turning away with a dramatic wave of his arms above his head. “I have _needs_ …”

Pidge sat there on the stone ledge, rolling her eyes as Keith wandered off, infuriated that he just _had to be interrupted_ by someone he couldn’t fuck. She hadn’t exactly come prepared—or equipped—for that sort of response, either. All she came equipped with was motivation for the price Zarkon put for the person to find his son. Alas—there was The Long Lost Prince in the flesh, wishing he _had_ flesh that happened to not settle in the boob department.

“Unbelievable,” she tsked, tapping her fingers against the bars. “Tell ya what. If I bring you a knight in shining armor, will you _consider_ coming down?”

Keith turned on his heels, hand against his chin as he raised his eyebrows at her. “Maybe. Depends on who it is…”

“Well we don’t exactly have a whole lot of time before this… _Allura_ comes back. So what’ll it be? If I bring you a ‘knight’—we’ll use the term loosely—you’ll come out of the tower and let me take you back home?” she asked, and stuck her arm through the bars to shake the Prince’s hand. 

Keith studied her hand for a moment before stepping forward. “All right. Deal,” he said, however skeptically, and took her hand in his own. They shook on it, and a moment later, Pidge was off trudging back down the tower with the spikes on her boots, and her hooks.

  


  


“C’mon, Hunk. Do it for the _fame_ and the _fortune_ …!” Pidge pleaded from the bottom of the cliff. It seemed like she was shouting up more than she was shouting down these days. Her height really didn’t help her in most occasions. Unless it involved a quick punch to the family jewels— _then_ she was in the right business.

But alas, there would be no ball-punching. At least not with Hunk all the way up there and Pidge all the way down here.

“How can you tell me to act gay for a few minutes?” Hunk whined.

“C’mon, he’s kinda good looking,” she insisted, and he promptly responded with, “That means he has a mullet, doesn’t it?”

Pidge licked her teeth and shifted her weight, her annoyance making each movement jerky and packed with the potential to hit something. “The guy probably hasn’t had real sex in, like, twenty years it’ll be real quick!”

“ _Pidge!_ Oh my God I don’t want to please don’t make me do it.”

“It’s for the greater good—!” she insisted, and a moment later Hunk peaked his head over the cliff. Even from this far she could tell he was scowling. “This is _the Prince we’re talking about!_ You know, the famous one we have a festival for every year… in hopes that he comes back one day… that guy—he’s right over there. In that tower. Waiting for a knight in shining armor.”

“Can’t you just pretend to be a dude?”

“Oh yeah, let me just _grow a pair real quick_!” she spat out, stomping her feet. “This is life or death, Hunk! Who knows when his captor gets back and we gotta skedaddle before he tattles on us! He seems like the kind of guy to tattle to me!”

“Then why are we saving him?”

“ _IT’S FOR THE GREATER GOOD NOW GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT—”_

She was interrupted by the sound of Hunk screaming getting closer and closer until he gracelessly slid from the rope and rolled onto the ground. She jumped in surprise and partial panic as he grunted, “That wasn’t a part of the plan.”

“Shit are you okay?” she asked, frantically trying to help him up.

“I’m fine. Only my morals are broken,” he said, huffing as he got to his feet. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“It’s for the greater good…! I suppose,” she said, and squinted as she reconsidered that. Yeah, that was why they were doing this, right? For the greater good? “Well, actually, for the money. But also the greater good! And that’s the part you need to worry about.”

“Doing anything for the greater good for your greater financial advantage is seriously fucked up,” he argued, semi-limping after her.

When they got back to the tower, they saw Keith’s hand stick out from between the bars and wave at them. Pidge shouted up her greeting, only to get the bird in return. _This is what I have to deal with_ , she thought to herself as she gave Hunk a plastic smile. He looked weak and half-nauseous with the way he grimaced at her. 

“I found your knight in shining armor!” Pidge shouted up.

“Hey. Knight-In-Shining-Amor… In-Training, I guess,” Hunk said, offering a meager wave up to the tower window.

They heard Keith hum uncertainly—purposefully loud enough for them to hear. “He sounds pretty straight to me,” he said.

“How the fuck would you know. How many gay men have you met in your life, might I ask?” she yelled, marching away as she waited for a response that didn’t come. “Uh-huh, that’s right. So stop dissing my associate and let’s get on with this!”

“ _Associate_?” Hunk hissed.

“You have to come back up here and take off the bars,” Keith demanded. “Hurry I think Allura comes back soon…”

Pidge grumbled curses under her breath and double-checked that she had her blowtorch on her before gearing up to scale the tower. She barely got her hold on the premade indents before Keith interrupted, “No no. Knight comes up. You stay down there.” 

“Are you _kidding me_?” Hunk seethed quietly to Pidge as she stepped away from the tower. “He’s gonna eat me alive—Pidge I don’t wanna.”

“What’s that?” Keith shouted. “I didn’t quite hear you!”

“He probably will eat you alive and that’s the _point!_ ” she whisper-slash-yelled at Hunk, ripping off the spikes on her shoes and shoving them into Hunk’s hands. “Now you’re gonna go up there, give the Prince the time of his life, and we’ll skedaddle. End of story.”

“I am too straight for this,” Hunk sighed, tilting his head up and squinting past the sunlight to shout up at Keith, “Sorry man. No can-do. I’m a square not a circle.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Keith asked.

“Like… I’ve got straight lines. You’ve got… not-straight-lines. I’m not gay dude. Sorry,” he said, all while Pidge flung her arms up and chucked one of her pickaxes at the balls of the tower, spouting off curses like, “MOTHER OF GOD FUCK DAMMIT.”

Keith leaned his head out from between the bars and flipped them off. “Don’t come back until you bring me a _real_ knight in shining armor. Capiche?” he ordered, and disappeared from sight, leaving Pidge to fume silently at Hunk for the remainder of the walk back to the cliff. They barely got a foot away from the tower before she smacked him in the back of the head for making this far more complicated than it should have been.

As she stormed back to the cliff, she bit out, “We were just supposed to go in, go out, end of story. He’ll probably warn his captor before we even make it back with a _knight in shining armor_.”

“I would never tell my captor that I was about to be saved,” Hunk said.

“Yeah, well, she’s the only person he’s ever come in contact with—presumably—so I can’t imagine he finds her to be all that evil in the end,” she confessed, tapping her finger to her chin. “So… who do we ask that wouldn’t swipe our fortune out from under us?”

“A real knight?” he suggested, but they both internally laughed at the idea. As if _knights_ were _good-standing citizens_. Half the times knights became knights for the title and the armor, and the plethora of women (or men, if you were into that sort of thing) that came with it. 

They thought in silence at the base of the cliff until Hunk snapped his fingers, “What about Shiro? You know, the one who got us out of jail that one time? I mean, he’s just part of the King’s guard, but… he wears armor? He could pass for a knight.”

“But who’s to say he won’t—”

“We go out for drinks every weekend. He’s cool,” Hunk insisted, which caused Pidge to do a double-take. “I drink sometimes, all right? I mean, anyone would if they’re working with _you_.”

She was about to argue, but the statement was too true to refute it. “Fine. Whatever. Shiro it is. But I doubt he’ll agree to Prince Keith’s terms, even if it _was_ for the greater good. That man may not be the straightest, but he’s the stuffiest guy I know.” After thinking on it for a moment, she added, “Well… not so much anymore because he drinks on the weekends with you.”

“Yeah. So I think he’d do it. Literally.”

“Whatever. You know the guy better than I do,” she scoffed, and started the climb back up to the top of the cliff. _Back to the capital city it is_ , she mused. It wasn’t like she had dozens and dozens of warrants out for her arrest anyways…

  


  


They found Shiro through the bars of a vent in the castle. Hunk was really struggling to breathe, which just led to him shoving Pidge against the grate and out sprawling over the tiles at Shiro’s feet. The man jumped in surprise, sword out in an instant before freezing just inches before Pidge’s annoyed face. “Cool it, hot stuff,” she said. “Just me.”

That just caused Shiro to squint at her, pulling the sword closer. “Why do you look so familiar…? Aren’t you— _What are you doing in here?_ ” he hissed, pulling the sword back to grab her by the scruff of her sleeveless shirt and against the wall. She let it happen since most people got a kick of whipping her around like a rag doll until she kneed them in the balls.

She rolled her eyes. “Ah, yes, all my ‘wanted’ posters. The resemblance is remarkable, isn’t it?” she said, grazing the underside of her chin with her hand, putting her smirk on display. “But I’m not here to be arrested. And neither is Hunk.”

“Hunk?” Shiro repeated, looking down at the vent as Hunk squeezed through and rolled onto the tiles. “ _Hunk?_ What the fuck is going on—”

“Sorry man. But we’ve got important business to attend to,” he replied, scrambling to his feet. “Day early for drinking, huh?”

“I literally only drank with you in hopes of catching Pidge,” Shiro replied, but his expression softened when Hunk deflated. “But I did have fun. You’re the best beer-pong player I’ve ever played with.”

Hunk blushed. “Aw, thanks.”

Shiro dragged Pidge off the wall, and made as if to tie her hands behind her back. She weaseled around and kicked her legs off the wall, stretching them out so she was practically parallel with the ground as Shiro tried to restrain her. He kicked out uselessly to try and knock her legs down, but she was invincible. 

“I have a proposal for you!” she insisted, seething as she cursed and found her legs slipping. Shiro whipped her off the wall, and she shrieked. “We found The Lost Prince! We know where he is!”

The words echoed down the hall as Shiro froze, but no one seemed to hear them making a ruckus. He lowered Pidge to the ground, and said, “How do I know you’re not lying? I haven’t heard anyone speak of him in _years_ —well, aside from the festival, but that doesn’t count really. The King doesn’t appreciate _anyone_ talking about him needlessly.”

“We _really_ found him. We’re the only ones who know where Prince Keith is, so you can’t lock us up. You have to come with us. And we’ll show you. And bing-bada-boom Prince Keith is back in town,” she said. “Right Hunk?”

Hunk was still recovering from Shiro’s beer-pong compliment.

Shiro glared at them both before sweeping Pidge right back up. “Yeah, well, I’m still locking you up. Hunk can take me to the Prince.”

Pidge shrieked, kicking and screaming before ultimately biting Shiro on the shoulder—which didn’t do much considering he was wearing armor. _Damn, he’d make a perfect knight-in-shining-armor,_ she seethed as Shiro started carrying her off, arms crossed over her front. She tried to dig her heels into the ground, but alas, she was a foot too short and he hardly seemed phased by anything she did. The man was a beast of nature.

Hunk came jogging after them spouting feeble attempts to try and free Pidge. Eventually, he said, “But—my memory is terrible. I don’t even remember how we got here.”

Pidge stammered out, “Th-That’s right! That’s right—his internal compass is shot! He doesn’t know north from south or west from east! I’m the only one who _really_ knows how to get to The Lost Prince!”

Shiro hesitated yet again just a few paces from an intersection of hallways within the castle. There was a skylight over their heads that highlighted Shiro’s razor sharp jawline that totally cut through a few strands of Pidge’s hair while she was kicking around. His hella sculpted face showed flawless skin. There wasn't a scratch on that man despite years of non-existent battle, but mostly training to be in the king’s guard. 

If he wanted, Shiro could have been one of those body builders who performed at The Long Lost Prince’s Festival. In other words, the guy was ripped.

“Holy Mother of God,” Hunk breathed, clutching his chest at the sight of Shiro flawlessly illuminated in divine lighting. “Existential crisis here I come.”

“I feel like I’m being hugged from behind by the living embodiment of sex appeal,” Pidge confessed, ceasing all movement as she dropped her weight and let herself sink to the floor. “The divine lighting is too powerful…”

“What in tarnation is going on,” Shiro said, stumbling to hang on to Pidge as she slid onto the ground. “Please don’t pass out. I really don’t want to carry you any more than I have to. I won’t lock you up so long as you show me where the Prince is. I’ll get backup—”

“No, no backup,” Pidge said, recovering if only slightly because a cloud passed over the sunlight. “We can’t go in there guns blazing. We need to be strategic—and also the Prince refuses to come out of the tower and gave us an ultimatum that determines whether or not he comes out of the tower.”

“And what’s that?” Shiro asked, squinting yet again. The man seemed to be known for his skeptical squint.

“He wants to be fucked by a knight in shining armor, so you just gotta… be a knight in shining armor for this kid for, like, two seconds and we’re golden,” she declared, her fake smile strained. “Easy-peasy!”

Shiro stared at her and laughed a little, running a hand through his hair as he said, “You’re kidding, right? This isn’t an _erotica novel_.”

“It very well could be,” Hunk said, and stared up through the skylight at the omniscient third-person narrator. “If only She has the balls to do it.”

They were all struck by the force of an outer being forcing them all to ignore the fact that none of them were in control of their actions. No one must know, She thought to herself as She kicked them all into gear because if they were going to get the Prince out of the tower, Shiro needed to give that man the night of his life before they all had to skedaddle out of there. Of course, no objective was finished for Shiro until the mastermind behind it was dead and gone. So as Shiro walked them out of the castle through the conveniently-placed underground tunnels, She reassured him that he’d get his revenge on the woman who kidnapped Prince Keith as an infant.

Because that’s how these books worked, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert smirky face*


	2. four walls of dick

“It took us a week to get back to the capital,” Hunk confessed as they settled in for the night. 

“Seriously?” Pidge asked. “Then what was with those two line breaks? Shouldn’t a week break be, like, a chapter break?”

“Literally what the fuck are you two talking about,” Shiro demanded, grumbling as he turned away from his two companions settling into their sleeping bags. 

Pidge tugged the blankets up to her chin and declared, “You wouldn’t know because you’re the love interest. You’re supposed to be blatantly ignorant to everything that’s happening to you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not ignorant to the fact that this is all bullshit. The King will flay me alive if I actually deflower the Prince,” Shiro confessed nervously, hands fiddling with the cloth he polished his sword with. “Which I’m not,” he insisted. Pidge and Hunk stared at one another for a brief, knowing moment. 

Pidge and Hunk fell asleep while Shiro tended to the embers of their fire. He set his sword aside and unclasped his shield that sheltered his narrow rucksack. Free of the weight, he sighed and stared up through the tree branches. The stars were incredible out here, away from the city lights, and shrouded in the faint stream of smoke from their fire.

They spent the entire walk trying to catch Shiro up on what they discovered about the Prince’s location, and the state of the Prince (aside from being thirsty as all hell). It sounded to him like he was about to face a rabid, untamed beast with little to nothing in terms of armor and weaponry…

The fear of it sent Shiro’s hand reaching behind him, only to fall short on the edge of the log. He reached for his sword handle, and fell on thin air. Frantically, he looked around him and found his shield gone—rucksack, gone—sword, gone.

“Shit,” he hissed, jumping to his feet and rousing Pidge and Hunk from their shallow sleep. “Someone’s here,” he said. “They took my weapon.”

“For fuck’s sake,” she seethed, getting up and pulling her own knife out from underneath the blankets. “Show yourself, fuckers! Face my wrath!”

Hunk stood against Pidge’s back, quivering in his boots as the three of them stared into the darkness of the forest. The fire was nothing but embers at this point, and so it barely managed to illuminate the man stepping out from the shadows, standing there. _Menacingly_. The second he starting laughing madly, Pidge stepped forward, sword braced for impact, but she’d recognize that laughter _anywhere_.

She lowered her sword and seethed, “Fuck you. Cut the crap, Lance.”

The man hooted and doubled-over laughing. “You should have seen your faces!” he hollered, swinging Shiro’s sword as if he owned it all his life. He brought the blade up to meet Pidge’s, his wide, dangerous smirk everything associated with the word ‘enticing’. “But I’m having fun. Wouldn’t want to spoil it by just… handing this shit over. Imperial guard weaponry— _impressive_.”

“Who is this?” Shiro demanded, stepping up beside Pidge considering Hunk was nervously, feebly, trying to convince Lance to put the sword down.

Lance’s eyes flickered over to Shiro, his free hand tossing the rucksack up and catching it. He spun it around his arm and over his shoulder. “Well that’s a new pretty face. Where’d you find him?” Lance asked Pidge.

“Seriously, Lance, we don’t have time for this. I just want to sleep,” Pidge whined. “I’ll pay you back soon I promise—”

“A whole lotta good your promises are,” Lance commented, nicking the sword underneath her chin and tipping her face up. “It’s been a month. In case you haven’t noticed already—I’ve been keeping my eyes out for you. _All of them_.”

“Gross. You make it sound like you have more than one set of eyes,” Hunk squeaked. “Please tell me you don’t have eyes on the back of your head.”

Lance’s jesting turned into a scowl directed towards an already-terrified Hunk. “I think I’m gonna piss myself,” Hunk cried out, running away before any of them could stop him. Pidge cursed under her breath as they all watched Hunk sprint into the darkness, never to return. 

“Fuck. Look at what you’ve done now,” Pidge complained to Lance, gesturing at where Hunk used to stand. “You’ve scared him shitless.”

“Well. He’s always kinda been a scaredy-cat so you can’t blame me,” he insisted, shrugging uselessly. He pegged Shiro with half-lidded, dangerous eyes as he added, “Besides. As much as I love Hunk, this fella… mm, where’d you find _him_?”

“Excuse me?” Shiro blurted eye, eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. “If you wouldn’t mind handing over my sword and equipment, we really need it for saving the Pr—”

“The price I owe you! Yeah, we’re getting the money—someone snatched it up and we’re off to get it. Yup. Saving the… price,” Pidge said, wincing. Shit. She was always a terrible liar when it came to quick situations like this, and Lance knew it just as well as she did.

He glared at her, pacing to the side, circling them like the panther he was. “Tell me where you’re going to get this _money_ and I’ll just retrieve it for you. S’not like you’ll actually _follow through_ , huh?”

“How much does Pidge owe you, and for what?” Shiro asked.

“Don’t tell him,” she seethed at Lance, which just prompted him to smile diabolically all over again. “You fucker.”

“I leant her a couple grand to buy—oh, what was it? A sculpture of…?” Lance prompted, twirling the sword around like a wand.

Pidge crossed her arms irritably and seethed, “A life-sized sculpture of my dog… Her name is Rover and— _Wait_. This is none of your business! You don’t need to know what I do with my money!”

“That’s actually… very sweet. I appreciate that,” Shiro admitted, but it just made Pidge bitter to be associated with the word ‘ _sweet_ ’. “But I still don’t see what this has to do with finding the Prince.”

Pidge wanted to scream to whatever god up there made Shiro say that. Their god, a girl with the aesthetic of a grandma, said nothing for She feared it would disrupt the general order of novel-making to speak outright. And so, She conveyed Her misgivings by having Pidge kick a log and snap, “Fuck, now you’ve done it!” because Lance was grinning like the devil. 

“The Prince, you say? Are we talking about the same prince or is there another prince that’s gone missing for two decades?” Lance asked, gesturing between the three of them before twirling the sword around in his hand, stepping away and taking long strides towards the embers. He jabbed the tip of the sword into the fire and flicked charcoal up playfully. “Finding the Prince must come with Zarkon’s prize money, huh? Is… that what you’re referring to? With getting the money?”

Pidge stood on the log, snarling at him with her teeth bared. “You aren’t getting the prize money. We are _not_ splitting it three ways.”

“Three ways? What, is Hunk not getting paid?” Shiro asked.

“No, _you_ aren’t getting paid because you get to fuck the Prince,” she argued. “And, ya know, I figured you’d want to do this for the greater good. Not… for the money… and… I thought wrong didn’t I. _Fuck_.”

“I am _not_ going to fuck the Prince—” Shiro started, and was interrupted by a shout of excitement from Lance.

“If anyone’s fucking _anybody_ , that’s between me and the Prince. So where is he?” Lance demanded. “In case you forgot, I have the supreme sword here ergo I make the rules. We leave now.”

“I’m not splitting the money with you, you maggot!” Pidge shrieked, screaming as she lunged from the log and kicked both her feet out. 

Her feet rocketed straight into Lance’s chest and sent the two of them falling and scrambling on the ground to get their footing. Lance tripped over a log, shouting, “ _Fuck!_ I forgot you do that sometimes—Oh God—”

“Shut up, _asshat,_ else I’ll come at you like a spider monkey!” she shrieked, yodeling as she flung herself off the ground and slammed both feet down onto Lance’s stomach. She bent over and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, screaming relentlessly as she slammed his shoulders into the ground.

“You’re so dangerous when you have the higher ground—!” Lance groaned, rolling over and abandoning the sword in an effort to get away faster. Shiro grabbed hold of it and sheathed it—no one needed to get stabbed tonight, at least not on _his_ watch.

He snagged Pidge by the back of her shirt and lifted her swiftly off of Lance, legs still kicking furiously. “All right, all right. We seriously have to find Hunk now. Where’d he go?”

“Far away from that _gremlin_ ,” Lance coughed, fake-heaving as he leaned over the grass. He thumped his fist against his chest and coughed again. “ _God_. It feels like I was just trampled by a mob of fangirls.”

“And where would _you_ have any experience with fangirls?” Pidge spat. “You _pay_ all the women at your fuck-hut.”

“Ex _cuse_ ,” Lance snapped, holding a hand up to silence her. He was still out of breath. “They all _love me_.”

“I’m under the distinct impression that I should be arresting you right now,” Shiro said from over Pidge’s shoulder, squinting suspiciously at Lance. “Do I know you?”

“He’s probably got a ‘wanted’ poster or two,” she commented, slowly being lowered to her feet. She crossed her arms as she added, “But he stays under the radar. For the most part—when he isn’t be an obnoxious _ass_.” 

Lance scowled at her, and his gaze glimpsed to where Shiro had his hand clasping the pommel of his sword and— _damn_. His muscular forearms hinted at heavy, toned biceps that were only a taste of what the rest of that fine specimen was all about. In the fading firelight Lance found himself realizing that his usual scale of gayness was suddenly broken.

He realized too late that the whole time he was checking Shiro out, the man was actually _talking_. “—Should probably keep moving in case the Prince’s captor decides to move Keith. We’ll be able to track them better the closer we are.”

 _I am so, so so gay_ , Lance whined internally, meeting Shiro’s gaze for a split second and feeling entirely compelled to spill all his darkest secrets and— “And… you’re wearing Empire armor. Of course you work for Zarkon,” Lance sighed, straightening up and combing a hand through his hair. Anyone associated with the Empire _seriously_ dampened his libido.

“I work for the King’s guard,” he replied, crossing his arms and saying, “Why, is that a problem?”

“Well considering you’re working _with Pidge and Hunk_ …” Lance rationalized, gesturing to where Pidge was rolling up their bedding and glaring at him all the while. “Which… how does that fit in to this? What brings a man of the King’s guard to my doorstep.”

“We are nowhere _near_ your doorstep, you fuckhead,” Pidge seethed. “I’ve been avoiding every part of your territory and this ain’t it. So what gives? Any of your thugs around here?”

Lance snickered at her and didn’t answer. Mainly because he hadn’t brought anyone with him on his usual exertions to find the runaways. Sure, he could have sent someone off to do the dirt work for him, but… confrontation was his specialty. He started out doing the dirty work, and it was difficult to let go of that life, especially when it provided him coincidental opportunities to fuck the Empire’s Prince.

He kept his gaze settled on the sword against Shiro’s hip—but perhaps that was just his excuse to gauge the size of that man’s family jewels as discretely as possible. “Hm… well, that’s pretty easy. I’ve had eyes on the castle for a while now. Got word that you and Hunk snuck in, snuck out, and since then I’ve been tracking you for a few days,” Lance confessed with a casual shrug. “Mainly by following the scent of anxiety-induced sweat.”

“I’m going to murder Hunk,” Pidge said as she hoisted her bag over her shoulders and started marching off in the direction of where Hunk disappeared.

“Give the man a break. C’mon, Pidge,” Shiro insisted, jogging after her and leaving Lance to follow suit, simply because he wanted to follow that ass, and also the ass they’d eventually take him to. 

Lance spent the journey trying to picture what Prince Keith would look like now. It wasn’t exactly easy postulating a mental image of the Prince when there were only infant paintings of the man from before he was kidnapped and taken away from the Empire. And visualizing an infant’s head on the body of a muscular body-builder wasn’t exactly _appealing_ … but it happened to pop up in Lance’s head more than he cared to admit. He began regretting joining them as the fear of a man-sized baby living in a tower started to consume him. 

_Maybe I could just let Shiro have dibs on the man-baby?_ Lance though to himself, but on the off-chance that the Prince happened to be a smoking hot guy with a sex appeal equivalent to what he saw from Shiro… well, then maybe it’d be worth it in the end. 

Whatever the case, they walked through dusk, at which time the sunlight began to dapple the forest floor and the trail they followed. Pidge pointedly walked ahead of them all, mainly to avoid Lance’s prying eyes and deadly threat hanging over them. He wondered just how much of a pushover Shiro was to be roped along with a band of thieves and con-artists—they weren’t exactly the most trustworthy batch. But then again, Pidge wouldn’t be so casual about this if she was _lying_. If they got to the end of the trail with no Prince, both con-artists would be fresh out of luck. Lance would rip their heads from their bodies so long as Shiro had no complaints on the matter.

They were barely through the morning before Lance started groaning, “I’m _bored_. Can’t we hurry it up?”

“Maybe we could. If only She would just add a double-line break,” Hunk said, and—

  


  


—They used a rope to drop down one-by-one into the ravine. Lance practically shoved Pidge off the cliff in an attempt to get to the rope first, and promptly had his hair torn by Shiro shoving him away, hissing, “As if I’d let you anywhere _near_ the Prince. I go down first.”

“As if!” Lance cried out, reaching desperately to grab hold of Shiro’s shirt. “I do what I want— _literally_. Now if you’ll just— _excuse me_ , I have a date with destiny, and also the _Prince_.”

“Can’t we just _talk about this_ without shoving each other off the cliff?” Pidge snarled at them, but Shiro had already dropped Lance’s hair, and the effort of fighting Shiro just sent Lance tumbling backwards off the cliff face.

He shrieked like a boy on the verge of puberty—voice-crack and everything. His hand grappled for the rope, which burned his palms as he slid down. His descent slowed until he stumbled into the grass at a sprint, his fear of death escaping him considering there were far more important matters at hand.

“Woo-hoo! I get dibs! I get dibs!” he shouted, sprinting in the direction of the tower as the rest of them stood speechless on top of the cliff. 

Pidge was the first to explode with anger, “ _SHIRO STOP HIM HE’S GONNA GET THE MONEY FIRST!_ ”

“Jesus H. Christ, calm your tits,” Hunk whined, hands over his ears. 

Shiro leapt from the ledge, swinging down like he was borne straight out of _Tomb Raider_ in a crop-top and the pickaxes he stole from Pidge (along with the blowtorch). She didn’t realize they were gone until Shiro was already sprinting after Lance because in the slow-motion of Shiro gliding down the rope, a spot of sunlight ducked out from behind the clouds and illuminated such a divine glow that momentarily blinded the two of them up on the cliff.

Shiro’s skin glistened like the sizzling whites of an egg hitting a frying pan. He was hot and sexy, sweat dotting his flesh like a goddamn food commercial with the obviously-fake buns, bacon, lettuce, and cheese because _damn is it too good to be true_.

[H](https://youtu.be/brTGAgUYnIc?t=1m2s)e was suddenly wearing a skintight suit made to define his pure white mUSCLES rippling from the strain of chasing Lance and hot damn Lance experienced the weirdest chill down his spine. He was suddenly overcome with the sensation that David Hasselhoff was coming after him like that scene from the _SpongeBob Squarepants Movie_ on the beach in the radiant, God-given sunlight. 

Lance stumbled as he half-swooned and caught himself against the base of the tower’s shaft. He grabbed hold of his chest where his heart was on _fire_ , but all that heat plummeted to his groin as the weirdest, most abrupt orgasm sent him jizzing in his freshly-cleaned trousers. 

“Oh my God what just happened,” he panted, his existential crisis interrupted by the sound of Shiro’s footsteps approaching. The clouds passed over the sun again. “Holy Mother Theresa. What the hell are you?” 

“My supervisor doesn’t let me outdoors because this happens,” Shiro confessed casually, turning away with his hands on his narrow hips. Lance turned slightly to stare at the man, but Shiro just shrugged and said, “But I think it might just be the lighting.”

Lance willed himself to calm the fuck down because not a second later, they heard someone shout from above them—voice carried by the wind saying, “Who’re you two?”

Both Lance and Shiro stepped back from the base of the tower to look up at the figure who’s hand leaned out from between the bars of the window. They both squinted to see the stranger’s face, but alas, they were too far away to see the beauty that was Prince Keith. 

Instead, Lance decided _fuck it_ and bowed gracefully to the tower as he declared, “I’m Lance, your knight in shining armor, obviously.”

“You aren’t wearing armor. Fuck off. Who’s the other guy?”

“Ex _cuse_ —!” Lance squeaked, only to be interrupted by Shiro shoving him back and stepping to the forefront.

He bowed and gave Lance a perfect look at his marble buns. “I am part of the King’s Imperial guard at the capital. Pidge and Hunk brought me here to rescue you.”

“Too stuffy,” the Prince muttered from the windowsill he sat on. He plucked through a vine of grapes and spat the seeds out the window as he said, “Whoever gets up here first wins my heart, yada-yada-yada. Here’s a rope.”

He flung a loop of rope off the side of the tower tied to the bars. It dropped an equal distance from Shiro and Lance, who instantly leapt for it in an attempt to shake the other off. Lance shrieked like a hyena, kicking at Shiro’s face as he bounced off the wall and went swinging to the side, out of Shiro’s grasp. “Haha! _Sucker_!” Lance said, sticking his tongue out at Shiro as he swung by again, a few feet over Shiro’s head as he started to climb up the side of the tower.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Shiro hissed, getting out Pidge’s climbing hooks and going for the holes she created during her first climb.

Lance was halfway up by the time Shiro started shimmying like an adept reptilian up the side of the tower. _Holy shit he’s double-timing it_ , Lance squeaked scrambling to move faster as Shiro caught up just as Lance grabbed for the ledge of the first window. They both clung to it, scrambling up and clinging to the bars as they came face to face with Prince Keith staring wide-eyed at them, cheeks full of grapes.

“Holy fuck,” the Prince breathed out, grabbing for the bars and looking between the both of them as they panted from exertion, sweat glistening on their rippling biceps. “This is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen get the fuck in here _right now_.”

“Who won though?” Lance asked. “I totally won, right? I mean, my hand touched the sill first.”

“You can touch my sill whenever you fucking want,” Keith purred. 

“That is incredibly inappropriate for a prince to say,” Shiro said, narrowing his eyes at Keith.

“Okay—officially docked two points. Lance get the fuck in here I want you to _eat me alive_ O my God—”

“Holy shit yeah I’ll do it.”

“You will do no such thing,” Shiro snapped, holding the blowtorch out from the windowsill. “This is the only thing breaking those bars. I’ll drop it unless you vow not to deflower the Prince.”

“Boo, you whore,” Keith whined. He reached his hands through the bars and went straight for Shiro’s crotch. It was unbelievable how high Shiro jumped in surprise, and with his guard thrown off, Keith snatched the blowtorch and instantly lit it.

“Whoa! Okay, okay, careful with the fire there big boy,” Lance shrieked, leaning away from the roaring flame.

“I’ll fucking show you _big boy_ ,” Keith snarled as the metal glowed red-hot. He shut off the blowtorch and ripped the bar out with his barehands because obviously his thirst-level improved his strength rating by 50%. These two bars of his character stats were independent on one another, just as sunlight correlated to Shiro’s superior sex appeal.

Lance was all, _That’s so hot_ , and squeezed through the bars before Shiro could even stop him. Lance tripped over Keith’s lap and onto the floor, dazed at the predatory look on Keith’s face staring down at him. Shiro had a harder time squeezing through the bars, which meant that just enough time passed for Keith to rip Lance’s pants off and chuck them halfway across China. 

“I read all fifteen sex manuals twenty times over,” Keith said as he pinned Lance to the floor. “I have the world’s largest dildo collection in my bedroom. Wanna see?”

“Um, is that even a _question?_ ” Lance said, his thrill mounting as Keith just dragged him off the ground and started pushing Lance in the direction of the bedroom on the other side of the open atrium. Shiro’s bulging pecs were stuck in-between the bars.

Shiro seethed as he painfully squeezed through. “Wait—! Lance I’m going to _maim you if you lay one hand on the Prince!_ ”

“What? I—I can’t hear you! Did you say _shove your entire hand up the Prince’s ass?_ ”

“My body is ready,” Keith said.

“ _LANCE!_ ”

Shiro dropped onto the ground with a grunt. He was on his feet and running before anyone could stop him. Not even the gods could stop Shiro—not in that form-fitting bodysuit that outlined every goddamn curve of his abs.

When he got to the bedroom, he realized that Keith was _seriously_ not kidding about setting a world record. Every single inch of the walls had dildos mounted like deer heads over a fireplace. He distinctly felt like he was in a room of spikes converging on him instead of various—probably used—dildos. There was a skylight on the curved ceiling, providing ample light to Keith naming off the dildos like, “I call this one George and this one _Kevin_. This one is Lennard and _this one_ …”

Keith pulled down a dildo that had to be, like, twenty-feet long and looked directly at Shiro as he said, “This one is whatever your name is, _daddy_.”

Shiro felt like he was having a hernia. A sound came out of his throat that he’d never heard before. It was a religious experience. “ _Shiro_ ,” he all but squeaked because he was already surrounded by four walls of dick and really, there were no words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am pissing myself laughing.


	3. and She said "let there be sex" and there was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> 

Keith collapsed on the bed in his robe and ripped open the front of it. The silk dropped instantly, and Lance was _all about that shit_. 

_This is turning out to be an awesome, unexpected surprise_ , Lance thought, rock hard in his already soiled trousers from the time Shiro’s inhuman sex appeal punted him in the balls. Keith split his legs open and lifted them into the splits and instantly Shiro looked away, pinching the bridge of his nose as he muttered, “This is ridiculous. We need to go _now_ before your captor gets back.”

“I don’t care. Lube’s over there,” Keith said, nodded to the end table. It was ridiculous how fast Lance bolted for it, only to have it smacked out of his hand by a downward-moving slap from Shiro. 

“ _Seriously_. Quit horsing around,” he hissed at Lance. “Also, get your fucking pants on. We’re leaving.”

“I am _not_ leaving until one of you grows a pair and shoves it in here,” Keith demanded, gesturing to everything in between his legs that was out on display. 

“Aye aye, sir,” Lance said, ducking down to get the lube.

Shiro smacked it out of his hands again. “C’mon we don’t have time for this.”

“Pidge said the guy hasn’t had sex in twenty years. It’ll be real quick,” Lance said.

“That sounds like a challenge,” Keith said, rubbing his hands down his sides, dipping over the curve of his hipbones, down the V-formation pointing directly to his erect penis. “What’ll it be, _boys_. Ready to be… _men_?” His leg shot in the air as Lance breathed, “Holy fuck he’s flexible. _Shiro he’s flexible—!_ ”

“This isn’t a fucking Barbie doll we’re talking about,” Shiro snapped, reaching over and grabbing Keith by the ankle. He shoved the man’s leg back down. “Get some clothes on. We’re leaving.”

“Boo, you whore. Lance, fuck me,” Keith demanded, splitting his legs open again.

“We are _literally_ in a room full of _fake penises_ and his bedroom door is a _cell door with twenty locks_ ,” Shiro seethed, gesturing to the fact that in their haste to do the dance-with-no-pants, they conveniently forgot the fact that Keith’s room was a literal _cage_. The skylight mentioned before was only such that the light peaked through a grid of bars. The walls and floor were _actually_ made of concrete. The steel door was like a fucking vault. “We seriously need to get Keith out of here.”

“Lance I don’t have a gag reflex. Get your Italian sausage over here _ASAP_.”

“I’m Cuban, but I’ll take it,” Lance said, and all of a sudden his pants were gone. He picked up the lube again, and swung it out of Shiro’s slapping-reach. “You are outnumbered by two naked men. Suit off or get out.”

“Oh my God _Shiro_ …” Keith moaned, and it was like one of those snake charmers just grabbed Shiro by the neck and throttled him into submission. 

If only She were capable of envisioning the scene accurately enough to form words. But alas, an asexual can only tolerate so many dick jokes before ultimately succumbing to looking at four walls of dick instead of the three writhing on the bed. She imagined there happened to be a lot of butt-slapping and dick-on-dick combat, but who’s to say otherwise? She imagined Lance would try to out-perform Shiro, who was too guilty to do much else than try and stop Lance from going too crazy on his power-high. It wasn’t ever day the man got to have sex with a prince, you know.

Despite his best attempts, and all that practice, Keith was a weak damsel who swooned off the side of the bed, breathing, “That was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

The second Shiro stepped off the bed, that suit poofed back on to his body, but left little to the imagination because of how _skin tight it was holy shit_. It was like every second the fabric thinned a little more. Or perhaps his muscles were growing by the second and were preparing to rip straight through the suit.

“We need to get going.”

“Um, _hello_ , aftercare. Isn’t that, like, a requirement? I feel like someone’s whispering it in my ear,” Lance said, when in fact, She was chanting as much to him.

“All fifteen manuals said aftercare is arguably just as good as the sex itself,” Keith declared dreamily from the floor. His legs were half-on the bed. “Shower me with your love and undying affection. Scrub me down in a vat of red wine and breathe sweet nothings into my ear as I jerk you off into oblivion…!”

As Lance declared, “Aye aye, sir!” Shiro grew more anxious about breaking Keith out of here. What was more powerful of an incentive than sex for Lance? Clearly, it seemed, nothing was more powerful than sex. That much was certain as Lance stepped off the bed and lifted Keith to his feet. The man was useless on his legs, though, because as all good erotica goes—the received should NOT be able to walk under ANY circumstances because it is the sworn duty of Lance and Shiro to carry Keith to the convenient vat of wine that really… isn’t all that sanitary… but completely necessary.

The three of them sat in the tub together and contrary to popular belief, they did _not_ just sit there staring vacantly into space like frozen claymation. There was a beautiful music video, slow-motion montage of them all blowing pink-tinted bubbles of wine and getting drunk off their asses. Contrary to popular belief, Keith was _not_ a lightweight, and whether that was because he normally drank a lot and was in a constant state of tipsiness was up for debate. If anything, Lance was the lightweight of the group, and dunked down until his nose was under the water level, legs half-draped over the lip of the tub. 

Lance mumbled incoherently about how this was the best day of his life. “The best _sex_ the best _wine_ the best _treehouse_ …”

“This isn’t a treehouse, Lance,” Shiro reprimanded. “And we’re all going to be executed if the King finds out we deflowered the Prince.”

“Then we’ll just have to get married and run off together. It’ll be gr-reat,” Keith declared, hiccuping. “We’ll live in the tower forever and ever and drink wine until we die.”

“Isn’t that just the dream…” Lance sighed, blowing bubbles in the blood-red liquid before sitting up a bit straighter. “I don’t want to deal with any of my _responsibilities_.”

“Yes, well, we have a responsibility to retrieve the Prince, which is exactly what we’re going to do now,” Shiro insisted, rising up out of the tub just as he crossed paths with a beam of sunlight that struck through the skylight and blinded them all by the radiate prism of reflective moisture Shiro turned into.

The light speckled across his skin like Edward Cullen coming in contact with the sunlight—radiant, glittering, _a perfect specimen in the flesh_. Both Lance and Keith dissolved under the attack of Shiro _fully nude_ glistening from pink moisture running in rivulets between the ridges of his rock-hard abs. It was one thing to experience Shiro clothed in the sunlight, but _this_. 

This was pure perfection.

Lance and Keith came so violently that a blood vessel popped in Lance’s eye. The blood-red wine turned a milky white in an instant.

“Oh, shit, sorry,” Shiro blurted out, staggering out of the tub and shaking off his legs as he fetched his clothes. 

“I want him to step on my face and kill me slowly,” Keith said as he slithered out of the tub like a snake-y snake.

Lance continued to bathe in the semen-infested cesspool. He still held on to one of the wineglasses and was about to dip it in when Shiro confiscated it and chucked it across the wall. The glass shattered against the wall, and he stared Lance down until the man finally groaned and got out of the tub. 

He was about to get dressed when Keith blurted out, “Wait—what are you doing? We aren’t _done yet_. C’mon I still have to ride you like a fucking _bull_ until we both pass the fuck out.”

“Ooh, [cowboy aesthetic](http://68.media.tumblr.com/1c6c158e6d91092c52352241c6e31257/tumblr_oqtxypgeHS1ua5z8xo6_500.png). I like it,” Lance said, but he still kept his hand over his crotch. “But Shiro’s right—we should probably book it before your captor comes back.” He shrugged awkwardly, aware that Keith’s jaw tensed in preparation for a verbal fight. 

Keith’s brow furrowed as he demanded, “I am _not_ leaving. And _you_ can’t make me! Just stay here—it’ll be like that treehouse you talked about?”

“I do like treehouses…” 

“ _Lance_ ,” Shiro snapped. “We are not staying here longer than we have to. Keith, pack up your things.”

“But I’m _not leaving_ ,” he said, and yelped when Shiro snatched Keith’s robe off the bed and came for him. Lance awkwardly started pulling on his trousers as Shiro caught Keith around the waist and wrapped him up in the robe, forcing Keith’s arms through the sleeves as Keith shrieked, “ _No!_ You can’t make me! Stop it— _please I can’t leave—_!”

Keith sounded so panicked that Lance was just now starting to think that this whole situation was just _weird_. What the fuck was that orgy they had? Why wasn’t the captor around, and _why was Keith captive anyways?_ What kind of maniac just locked up a twenty-year-old throughout their entire childhood and young-adult life? Lance supposed… a person _could_ —in theory—acquire strange hobbies during twenty years of captivity (hence the fifteen sex manual volumes). But that didn’t explain why Keith would _want_ to stay here, after all that time.

Keith was rapidly trying to fight off Shiro as he started to carry Keith over to the window. “ _Get the fuck off me you filthy cumslut!_ I’m going to dent your balls with my foot _you hear me?!_ ” He jammed his feet on the bars of the window as Shiro tried to force him through the gap. 

“Where did you—acquire— _such language?!_ ” Shiro yelled back.

“ _Sex manuals you fuck!_ ”

“Those dirty fiends,” Lance commented. “Sex manuals are my religion—bless.” He crossed his chest and raised his hands to the gods. He received double finger-guns in return from Her. “But seriously—don’t you want to get out of the tower?”

Keith was screaming at the top of his lungs, back arched trying to heave himself out of Shiro’s grasp. Shiro looked back at Lance for some form of help aside from talking, but aside from awesome, unbelievable, incredibly hot-and-sexy, breath-taking, thrilling, mind-blowing sex… talking was all Lance was good at.

“Wait, wait, wait—calm down for a second,” he insisted, hurrying over as he scrambled to tug on his jacket. Shiro stepped back from the window sill, and Keith’s feet dropped, sagging to the floor. “Don’t you want to go out of the tower?” Lance asked him, keeping out of Keith’s kicking-range. 

Keith scowled at him, glancing away guiltily. _I’ll take that as a yes_ , Lance decided. “Well, I mean, the outside world is fucking lit, man. I mean—we’ll get you some _shoes_ and maybe a _hat_ or two because you’re probably gonna get sunburnt or something… I bet we’ll need 130 spf sunscreen but… it’ll be cool. We could, like, turn you into one of those princesses from fairytales who always have animals and stuff.”

“You think?” Keith asked.

“Hell yeah. We’ll totally tame a deer. Right Shiro?” 

Shiro gave Lance a bland look, but Keith couldn’t see it. “He nodded. Yeah, we’ll find a deer or two.”

“You think we’ll see Mothman?” Keith asked.

“Fuck yeah, if you want. I heard he’s been… hiding out in the mountains or something,” Lance said. “Hell, we might run into Sasquatch or the Yeti. It’ll be lit. We’ll have a little _bonfire_ , with some roasted _marshmallows_ …”

The tension in Keith’s shoulders slackened a fraction, so Shiro gently set him on the windowsill. Really, Keith didn’t stand a chance—not with Lance and Shiro persistently trying to coax him down the tower. In the end, Keith was placed on Shiro’s back with his legs twisted around the man’s torso—of course, after properly clothing the guy. The last thing they needed was Keith’s robe bunching up around his hips.

Lance could still tell that Keith was beyond nervous about the whole endeavor. The guy hadn’t set foot on grass until Shiro landed on the ground and helped Keith lower to his toes into the grass. He combed through the green strands with his feet before finally letting go of Shiro, staring in awe at the fact that grass was not, in fact, just a flat green surface as he had always thought. And that the trees were not, in fact, two-dimensional beings that swayed in the wind. They were so much taller than Keith anticipated, and underneath them, he found… two strangers there.

“Ah! Who goes there!” Keith shrieked, kicking his leggies up and scrambling behind Lance as he came to the base of the tower’s shaft. Lance jumped in surprise.

“Chill, it’s just us,” Pidge said, and Keith relaxed at the sound of her voice.

“Oh, Pidge,” he sighed, breathing out in relief as he let go of Lance. It wasn’t until then that he realized he grabbed hold of Lance’s pert ass—no wonder the guy jumped half a foot in the air.

“Nice to finally meet you face-to-face,” Hunk said. 

“Ah yes, The Straight Guy,” Keith hummed, accepting the hand Hunk reached out to him. Before they could shake on it, Pidge plucked Hunk’s arm away with a hiss, and scolded him. 

“Who knows where his hand’s been,” she whispered to Hunk, but offered a dashing smile when Keith retracted his hand nervously and pulled it close to his chest.

Keith appeared small—perhaps it was his obvious scrawniness that made him appear as such, but either way, he crept along the grass cautiously and with such intrigue that Shiro found himself smiling despite rational thought. They were still in enemy territory, and they had an entire week’s journey to get back to the Imperial capital. They’d have to protect this man who had never set foot on _grass_ before. Keith had never _been_ in a forest before. Keith was nothing more than an infant on ground level, dozens of stories away from his four walls of dildos.

They weren’t in Keith’s sex dungeon anymore. 

“Shit,” Lance muttered as he came to the same conclusion. 

“All right. Let’s move,” Shiro announced, and instantly Keith was up in arms.

“What? No, we have to stay here!” he insisted, hurrying back to the tower’s balls and clinging to them, trying to scramble up them with little success. He looked ridiculous, floundering on the wall like that.

“C’mon, up you go,” Lance said, ducking down to heave Keith off the ground and away from the tower. “We’ve got places to be, people to see.”

“N—I seriously can’t _leave the tower!_ ” he snarled, kicking and screaming as Lance donned a look similar to that of a teenager being faced with a crying baby. He went to Shiro and handed Keith off to him, and promptly dusted his hands clean.

“Are you serious right now?” Pidge all but shouted. “It took us a fortnight to get back here with your knight in shining armor and you’re just gonna ditch us?” 

Keith writhed around in Shiro’s arms, screaming like a child. Alarmed, Shiro staggered under the force and nearly tripped had Hunk not been there to stop him from falling. It just caused Keith to reach over and bite Hunk on the arm—because Keith had no regard for straight men. 

Hunk squealed and twisted around to run away, only to slam straight into the balls of the tower and collapse backwards. Keith escaped from his hold, only to follow Hunk’s same demise—except his head collided with the stone and he went down and didn’t get back up straight away.

“Ah! I’ve been bit! Next thing you know I’ll have _rabies or something_!” Hunk cried out. 

“Shut the fuck up. This isn’t _Twilight_ ,” Pidge snarled. 

Shiro hurried to the Prince and tipped him over his lap like one of those touching scenes in a movie where the ultimate love interest _dies_. Soft, sad violin music played in the background as he pressed his hand to the blood matting the back of Keith’s iconic, sinless mullet.

“[S](http://girlskylark.tumblr.com/post/160151289495/strixmoonwing-chiefgreythong-i-cant-watch)hit, Keith, Keith talk to me. You’re gonna be okay,” Shiro cried, big fat elephant tears spilling.

“No—No, I’m not gonna make it,” Keith mumbled subconsciously, clearly out cold. He isn’t even talking. It’s actually Lance moving his jaw and saying the words himself.

Shiro slapped Lance. “Don’t say that Lance. Don’t talk like that. _KEITH YOU’RE GONNA BE FINE_.” There was some incoherent mumbling that _actually_ came from Keith. “What?”

“What’s he sayin’?” Hunk asked, groaning from the ground as Pidge helped him stand back up.

“I don’t know I can’t understand him,” Shiro said.

“What’s he saying?!” Hunk screamed to Pidge, shaking her by the shoulders.

“ _HE’S JUST MURMURING,_ ” Shiro yelled, holding Keith to his chest as he pushed himself to his feet. Lance held onto Keith’s legs because mm girl that boy had fine legs. It was convenient because Keith was wearing booty shorts. “We gotta move and get as far away from the tower as possible,” Shiro insisted, and started the trek back to the cliff. 

Lance was just thinking to himself how _awesome_ it would be to have an orgy montage in the forest, but unfortunately for all the viewers out there, Pidge and Hunk stood in the way of that happening. So that happened to be the reason why Lance pouted the entire way to the cliff. 

Well, then again, Keith was super unconscious at the moment, so Lance figured the Prince probably wouldn’t appreciate being a part of an orgy he couldn’t even remember. Lance knew _he’d_ be kinda pissed off about it if that happened to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any Voltron memes, send 'em to me in the comments or on [Tumblr](http://girlskylark.tumblr.com/). Gotta love those memes.
> 
> [The genocidal furry meme came from here.](http://girlskylark.tumblr.com/post/161323567050/kingsandthieves-i-have-no-explanation-for-this) Also thanks Mogi for kicking this post at me aND BURNING MY RETINAS WITH IT.


	4. give me magpies give me death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend [macShitFuck](http://archiveofourown.org/users/macShitFuck/pseuds/macShitFuck) was AWESOME and wrote the start of this chapter :O So if you like her stuff you can check out the full piece on [AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11163405) or [Tumblr](https://reaadmydumbfanfiction.tumblr.com/post/161670622293/happy-birthday-sarah) :D
> 
> She's also on Tumblr by the username [rage-crystals](http://rage-crystals.tumblr.com/). What a gal.

“So if _you’re_ holding Keith, and _I’m_ holding Keith, then who’s flying the plane?” Lance called over to Shiro.

“Lance, you’re not holding anything except the shreds of your dignity,” Pidge cut in before Shiro could reply. He wasn’t going to speak anyway. “And stop throwing around words that don’t make sense! What the fuck is a _plane_?”

Lance stuck out his tongue at her. “Gremlin. No one feed this thing after midnight!”

“What does that even _mean_!”

“It means shut up, is what it means!”

“Guys, be quiet,” Shiro said from the back of the pack. He shifted Keith up his back slightly.

“Oh, okay, the last person we need to hear from is _the knight that forgot to bring his noble steed_ ,” Lance argued. “This walk? This unnecessary walk is _your fault_. We could be getting saddle sores instead!”

“ _STOP COMPLAINING_ ,” Pidge said, very loudly. A number of birds burst through the trees and flew away, cawing. Hunk stopped in the middle of the road, and the rest of the group moved around him like a river around a stone; his mouth moved silently, and his fingers waved.

“Darn it,” he said, dropping his hand. “There were either six or nine of them.”

Pidge and Shiro stopped. “What does it matter,” Pidge asked. “It’s just birds.”

“Uh, ex _cuse,_ they were magpies, you uncultured swine” Hunk said, still staring at the sky. It was iron gray and cold, and in the distance, storm clouds threatened. “Six for gold and nine for a kiss. Come on, guys, you know the nursery rhyme.”

Pidge scoffed. “I know that nursery rhymes are dumb and childish. Come on, let’s just get out of here before it fucking pours.”

“You know what, that’s crazy coincidental,” Lance called back. “Gold and kissing? With the Prince himself on Shiro’s back? Nursery rhymes are known for predicting shit in stories like this.” He got closer to Pidge, but only to tap underneath her chin in a patronizing manner. “Keep up, gremlin.”

Pidge growled at him. “ _You_ keep up. Let’s just get out of here. They were birds. Who gives a shit about _birds_.”

“I know this may come as a surprise to you, but I care _deeply_ about the wellbeing of birds,” Shiro declared as he shifted Keith up his back more. The Prince was still delirious from hitting his head; he would murmur some crazy things from time to time, but enough that the rest of the group largely ignored him.

“You know, if anyone should be giving orders, it should be me,” Shiro said. “I’m the senior officer.”

“We’re not King’s Guard, or whatever,” Pidge snipped. “Your senior officer-iority means _nothing_ to me. Ya hear? _Nothing_.”

“I only listen to him because he’s hot. And I’d listen to _any command he gives me_ ,” Lance said. He shot Shiro a dumb grin that he must have thought was flirtatious.

Shiro’s face pulled down. “I seriously doubt you’d willingly turn yourself in if I told you to,” he commented, and instantly received a scowl in response. “Thought so. I’ve gathered that you have a _serious_ problem with authority.” He hoisted Keith up on his back once more, then trudged on through the forest. Pidge, Hunk, and Lance were pulled along in his wake.

  


  


When it rains, it pours. It became so bad that the team rushed to find an under cropping of rocks to hide underneath. Pidge and Lance took their entertainment from listening to Keith mutter in his sleep, while Hunk and Shiro held a quiet conversation closer to the sheet of water.

“Are you going to take any of the money?” Hunk asked.

Shiro took off his gauntlet. Silently, Hunk marveled at how strong Shiro must be---the man wore full armor and chainmail, carried around his sword, and still had carried the Prince on his back for what must have been miles.

“I don’t know,” Shiro said. “I didn’t really want to become part of this whole thing at all. Keith is alright, I guess, but he’s pushy---and he’s not afraid of cajoling people into doing what he wants.”

“He’s royalty,” Hunk pointed out. “And still, you went through this whole thing without especially searching it out. Don’t you think you deserve, you know, a reward for that?”

Shiro looked at Hunk for a long moment. A couple drops of rain landed on the knees of his armor, then more joined them, and they collected into a small puddle that would make the metal rust if it wasn’t treated right.

“There are other ways of getting money,” Shiro finally said. He forced himself to look away from Hunk and instead stared into the rain. It made the forest look like something sinister. “I have a salary, too. I don’t have to rely on getting this reward to support myself like you do.”

He didn’t exactly answer Hunk’s question, but that was alright. Hanging out with the sort of people Hunk did made him not expect answers from anyone. He'd learned not to give answers easily, himself.

Hunk and Shiro sat in silence for much longer, listening to both the rain and the muted sounds of Pidge and Lance messing around in the background. Shiro suddenly stood up and stretched. “We should sleep. The rain isn’t going to let up any time soon.”

Pidge scoffed. “This doesn’t seem right. Rain doesn’t act like this here. It’s never this heavy for this long.”

Lance shrugged, then punched her gently on the shoulder. “The weather can act however it wants. Who are we insolent mortals to even begin to question the mysterious workings of fate?”

Hunk added, “Seems like the weather’s got an attitude.”

“Yeah, for your _insanity._ You both are crazy,” Pidge said, rolling her eyes.

Lance smirked at her and bowed dramatically. “Simply easily duped when it comes to the mystical, my dear. Who knows? Might it be a witch, or the workings of God Himself? Either way, the rain’s not letting up, and we are unfortunately stuck together. Let us hope we don’t _stab each other_ while sleeping.” He pointedly looked at Shiro, who glared back, the threat causing his shoulders to tense. 

“I have the distinct impression that we should be tying you up right now,” Shiro remarked, squinting suspiciously at Lance.

Lance waved his wrists towards Shiro, declaring loudly, “God, _yes_ what a great idea—!” at the same time Pidge said, “Oh God, Shiro, what have you done.”

The tall, lanky, clearly-superior of the thieves, laughed and brushed aside the blush on Shiro’s face. “You wish, hot stuff. If I’m going to stab _anyone,_ it’ll be with _this_ and _that._ ” Lance seductively grabbed his crotch and pointed at Keith, who Shiro shielded with his body to prevent any of that from happening. “And I’d recommend that _no one_ gives the gremlin anything sharp _under any circumstances_. Capiche?”

Pidge looked at Hunk. Hunk shrugged.

  


  


Later that night, Pidge and Hunk lay curled together. Pidge acted like a warm stone for Hunk, who slept better next to hot things.

Pidge rolled onto her side. Sleeping on a forest floor was not the best; she knew her back was going to hurt in the morning. But it was better than being in the driving rain. Hunk snorted in his sleep and shifted. Pidge closed her eyes tightly, like that would bring sleep faster.

“Hunk,” she whispered. No response. She dug her elbow into Hunk’s stomach, hard. She had been complimented before on the sharpness of her elbows. “Hunk,” she whispered to him again.

Hunk grumbled. “Yeah?”

“Are you up?”

“I am _now_.”

“Listen,” she said, rolling to face her partner. “Do you want to just ditch these guys? Grab the prince and run? We could.”

Hunk tsked. “Aw, but it’s raining. And Keith would wake up and make a huge fuss.”

“Yeah, but we’d have all the money,” Pidge pointed out. “We probably wouldn’t get turned in, and we can pay off our crimes, and we wouldn’t have to split it with him.” She pointed her thumb at Lance.

“Yeah, but it’s raining,” Hunk said, like that was supposed to explain everything. “Go to sleep, Pidge. We’ll ditch them in the morning.”

Pidge groaned. “It’s now or never, Hunk. Come on! Up! _Up_!”

Hunk groaned in response and flipped over so his back was to Pidge. She pouted and started poking Hunk’s shoulder blades.

Hunk reached behind himself to swat at her. “You stop that.”

“Never,” Pidge hissed. “Come! Run away with me! We’ll be free as birds!”

“No,” Hunk grumbled. “The magpies didn’t predict that.”

“Who cares about the fucking magpies, Hunk,” Pidge said, probably louder than what was appropriate, because Shiro and Lance both woke up at the sound. Shiro was a light sleeper to begin with, and so he was practically on his feet in alarm while Lance lazily rolled over with an annoyed groan.

The rain was just starting to let up as Lance sat up slightly to look down at the Prince, who was just as unconscious as he was before. 

“Uh… shouldn’t we be concerned about Prince Hot-Ass over here?” Lance asked, pointing to where Shiro had wrapped a cloth around Keith’s head to stop the bleeding.

It was true. In real life Keith would have woken up mere minutes, maybe seconds, after being knocked unconscious. But as we all know, books on the internet just don’t work under that ridiculous logic. Shouldn’t the brain completely shut down for days on end to amount to some miraculous recovery in which the love interest sobs, “You’ve been out for two weeks! We thought you were dead!”

Because that’s called a coma, sweetheart.

“Does anyone know witchcraft over here?” Pidge shouted, cupping her hands around her mouth as she paced the edge of the outcropping. “ _No one?_ Anyone know witchcraft? Nope? Well fuck we can’t fix him, _smartass_ ,” she snapped at Lance. “Can’t exactly fix a head trauma with a knife and a boot!”

“I would totally lend my boot to this cause,” Hunk offered.

Shiro reached his perfectly sculpted arm out from underneath the rock. It came back dry. “Looks like the rain cleared,” he commented, peering up at where the clouds were dispersing. The moon was a fraction of a whole, but it still managed to light up the place in an eerie white glow.

The second the moon came into focus, they heard something beyond the sound of spare raindrops dripping onto rock. It came from Keith, moaning as he reached a hand up to his skull and hissed—it wasn’t a _painful_ hiss, persay, but Lance found it hella sexy. Like, _damn_ , the man wakes up from a semi-fake-coma and he goes and makes _that_ noise? Shit. Pure perfection right there.

“He awakes,” Lance announced, grinning as Keith started to get up. Shiro ran to assist. “How’d you sleep, Princess? Did you have a lovely nap laying there on a rock in the middle of the fucking wilderness?”

Keith stood, arm around Shiro’s as he looked up at them, eyes instantly alarmed. “What— _no_ , no no no,” he stammered out, trying to move away from Shiro, but it was like his fingers were glued to Shiro’s arm. 

Shiro jerked forward, startled, and said, “Whoa, it’s okay. We got you away from the tower—your captor can’t find you here.”

Lance was shocked by the sheer panic in Keith’s eyes when Shiro let out a sudden hiss—of _pain_ , unlike the one Keith growled out waking up. Pidge squeaked out, “ _Shit!_ Shir—K-Keith’s hands—!”

Keith’s fingers grew into long, sharp, metallic _knives_ that dug into Shiro’s arm like a total fucking savage. Blood oozed and bubbled from the ten marks splayed across Shiro’s forearm. Shiro screamed like the chick from the original _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ who couldn’t fucking keep her mouth shut for the life of her and you have to turn your television volume down to five just to survive half the movie. Lance did not find this sexy anymore.

Keith’s eyes turned yellow in a flash (because things always happened in flashes). The distant lighting— _flashed_ —and it cast a shadow over the rock wall displaying a silhouette of Keith r _IPPING SHIRO’S ARM OFF HOLY SHIT. BLOOD SPRAYED AGAINST THE WALLS._

Pidge is totally capable of keeping her shit together un _LIKE HUNK WHO’S SCREAMING HIS MOTHERFUCKING LUNGS OUT. HE RUNS OFF SCREAMING. HE’S IN THE FOREST. HE’S RUNNING LIKE A MADMAN LOOK AT HIM GO._

 _“HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!_ ” _LANCE SHOUTS, WATCHING VAMPIRIC TEETH ELONGATE FROM KEITH’S MOUTH._

_KEITH IS A VAMPIRE. HE RUNS OFF WITH SHIRO’S ARM. HE’S GOIN AS FAST AS A LAMBORGHINI ON DRUGS. HE’S LIKE EDWARD CULLEN MAKING OFF WITH BELLA THROUGH THE WOODS IN THE MOVIE. BUT INSTEAD OF A STUPID HOT CHICK, IT’S SHIRO’S ARM. HE’S LEAVING A BLOOD TRAIL BEHIND HIM._

Pidge is all, “Shiro’s arm! It came right off!”

“No shit!” Lance yelled.

Lance runs to Shiro’s aid, and in his panic of helping the fallen warrior, he realized dramatically that he always loved Shiro. He loved Shiro before he even met the man holy shit he’s so fine. That bod deserves to be worshipped, not taken away piece by piece in the form of detached limbs. Lance is sobbing bloody elephant tears, man, they’re pouring down his cheeks he’s like, “Bro, you know I loved you I was just kidding about stabbing Keith with my dick. I’d totally stab you first but I can’t do that when you’re dying.”

“Thanks… Lance… you’re so— _considerate_ ,” Shiro breathed unevenly, and it was totally hot, but there was blood oozing out of his arm. 

Lance isn’t entirely sure how they managed to totally _castrate_ —or was it cauterize?—the wound, but Pidge managed it better than he did because _fuck_ she was hardcore. Blood didn’t faze her whatsoever, and the next thing Lance knew was that they were trudging out of their hiding place with all their gear as Pidge muttered, “Fucking glad I didn’t run off. Jesus. Coulda gotten my arm taken off.”

“Glad I could take one for the team,” Shiro bit out through clenched teeth. Lance was totally carrying him. His adrenaline was like, “Fuck dude, the man you love is injured you gotta carry that shit,” and Lance was like, “Aye aye, mate.” So he swept Shiro off his feet and followed after Pidge as they hunted down Hunk, all while discretely terrified of stumbling across Keith crouched on the ground devouring Shiro’s arm whole. 

When they found Hunk and snapped him out of his horrified daze, Lance asked, “We gotta get to that town—”

“Fuck no, that’s probably the first place Prince Keith is going to go,” Pidge said. “We’re going back to the tower because obviously Allura knows what she’s doing. Now cue the, uh—”

  


  


—It took all night to get back to the tower, and by morning Shiro was half-dead and the blood had seeped through his thin, skin-tight uniform. If the man had more strength, he would totally be capable of flexing his pecs and ripping straight through that shit. But alas, he was down an arm.

Thankfully, though, they came to the tower from a different angle and found a conveniently placed entrance covered in vines. They all shimmied through and followed a trail to the back of the tower which… apparently… was the _front_ of the tower and they spent the whole time dicking around the back of the tower’s balls.

True to Pidge’s hypothesis, they found someone chucking shit out the window. Chairs, tables, dildos went flying, crashing into the ground in a splintering mess of wood and silicone penises. Hunk stepped to the side due to his catlike Straight Man reflexes, discretely dodging a dildo that crash-landed where he once stood. “Crises averted,” he declared.

Shiro suddenly became deadweight between Pidge and Lance, and fell forward as gracefully as he unconsciously could. Pidge shouted up the tower, “ _HEY ALLURA!_ ”

“Who’s Allura?” Lance asked, squinting up the tower to the sudden appearance of white hair catching in the wind. 

“Kind of busy right now!” she yelled down. “Unless you know where Keith went, you can get the fuck off my property!”

“We know where Keith is but we need your help first!” Pidge announced.

“We do?” Hunk whispered. “I thought he ran off never to be seen—” She jabbed him with her pointy elbows to shut him up.

Suddenly Allura swung her legs out the window and leapt off the ledge. Lance screamed in fear—who the fuck just randomly committed suicide like that? He wasn’t mentally prepared to see a splatter of lady-bones all over the grass. 

Allura came cruising down the side of the tower like some badass superwoman with the power and strength to land flawlessly before them. The ground _shook_. They were all _shook_. Because holy _shit_ she was ripped as fuck and that _leather?_ Clung to every bit of her like a second skin, rivaling that of Shiro glistening in the sunlight. 

The force of the drop sent her gracefully to her knees, and the quake that went through the entire forest sent a crowd of magpies into the air, unseen by the dazed, and quite honestly rock hard between the legs, Hunk. The power behind her bulging, watermelon-crushing thighs eased Allura up to her full, towering height of _SEVEN FEET TALL_. She was a total beast and Pidge wanted her to crush her skull between her thighs. 

“ _Fuck me_ …” Pidge whimpered, weak at the knees as she leant into Hunk for help. The man was useless though, straight as can be (you know how the straights are), and let Pidge swoon and fall on her own.

Allura was decked out with sexy bicep and thigh straps harnessing the power of over a dozen knives and weapons. Her sharp black boots buckled up to her knees, high heels made of _knives_ and shit. The collar of her shirt was popped and bursting from her gargantuan breasts that would totally smother and suffocate Pidge and Hunk combined. Even Lance was a little wet in his pants from the sight of Allura crashing straight into their hearts.

“You wanna tell me where the fuck he is? This is life or death here,” she snarled at them, and didn’t even have to look as she pointed directly at where Shiro was passed the fuck out. “Also, does someone want to explain what this drunk guy is doing passed out on my lawn?”

“He’s dying we need your help,” Lance blurted out, considering Pidge and Hunk were totally and completely incapacitated by their fangirling.

“Why would I help _you_ ,” she spat at him, teeth sharp and biting dangerously in his direction. He actually pissed himself a little because she was so terrifying. 

She leaned over him, causing him to lean back and stare up at her deadly scowl. “Uh—um, I mean—I, uh—” he stammered uselessly, voice pitching high. “We know where Keith is! Yeah, yeah, but we won’t tell you until you help us fix Shiro up.”

She squinted at him, so much like Shiro in her skepticism. “I’m a vampire hunter, not a doctor,” she hissed at him. “But I’ll help your friend. Follow me.”

She bent down, booty in the air and promptly knocked both Hunk and Pidge off their feet, stumbling over each other to try and recover. Allura gracefully swept Shiro up into her big, meaty arms and in one crouch, leapt up past them all and straight through the window. The force sent a gust of wind that pushed Lance to the ground, hair wind-blown and a complete disaster. “Whoa,” he breathed, staring up at her as she disappeared through the window.

It took them all a minute of standing there to realize what she meant by “follow her.”

“Yeah, let me just gain inhuman strength and jump right up there!” Lance shouted, and the second he did, the base of the tower’s shaft twisted open. A hidden door revealed itself. “Oh, well, that’s convenient.”

The three of them waltzed into the tower’s dick and climbed up the shaft to the head where Keith’s wicked sex dungeon penthouse was. Hunk couldn’t enter though, because it was like one of those churches demons couldn’t enter, except only straight people couldn’t go into the tower. So he hung out in the stairway saying, “Don’t worry about me. I vomit at the sight of blood anyways, wouldn’t want me puking all over the place.”

Pidge gave him a fist bump before crossing the threshold because she was gay as fuck for Allura. Like, shit, it was kind of sad how gay she was for butch vampire hunters because fuck look at that woman. Allura was probably the sexiest person alive to grace Pidge with her presence. So, naturally, she clung to Allura’s side throughout the entire tech montage that took place.

Lance didn’t know much about medicine, and neither did She, so let’s just assume it was a really sick-nasty _House M.D._ episode where they kicked ass and saved Shiro’s life just in the nick of time. There were cool camera pans gliding across the scene of Allura with a blowtorch, fast-pace to slow-motion going across her backside where the black leather shined across her ass. Sparks flared in front of Pidge’s face as she pieced together parts of Shiro’s fucking rad sci-fi arm. 

There was a cool slow-motion of Lance dramatically brushing Shiro’s hair aside from where the man lay unconscious on the table. That cinematic longing depicted in The Fondness™ in Lance’s gaze. 

Shiro’s eyes slowly opened, narrow and barely awake as he regarded Lance and said, “Who the fuck are you?”

“I-I’m Lance. I, like, saved your life? You don’t remember?” he said.

Shiro laid his head back and sighed, saying, “Oh, fuck, you’re right. Shit I lost my arm.”

“Yeah.”

“That wasn’t my intention.”

“I don’t think that was _any_ of our intentions,” Lance said. “Besides, I still love you even armless.” He spoke for the entire fandom.

Shiro glared at him and looked away, eyes beginning to fade again. “Whole lotta good that’ll do me.”

It’s all the fandom can do in times like this. Completely helpless to the Way of the Creators™ stringing them along like that. Who did the Creators think they were? Playing with their emotions like that. In any case, Shiro passed out again and Lance prayed to Her in hopes that She wouldn’t pull another fast one like this. 

Little did he know, She was only getting started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PFFF Mac wrote until the part where Shiro and Lance wake up in the middle of the night to Pidge's screaming. I'm screaming. We're all screaming. 
> 
> If you want to fight me you can find me on [Tumblr](http://girlskylark.tumblr.com/).


	5. ducks taking quintessence shots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [llstarcasterll](http://llstarcasterll.tumblr.com/) helped me with the first few paragraphs and contributed a bit to Pidge's character (you'll see what I mean). Half of this was her idea and I just rolled with it.

Shiro woke up with a Barbie doll arm instead of a mechanical arm because this is a fantasy AU. But actually though he thought it was a Barbie doll arm but _actually_ it was the twenty-foot dildo Keith named after him. He was one-eighth octopus now. 

“What the fuck is this???” Shiro said, sitting up from the table.

“We named it Shiro Jr. Don’t you like it?” Pidge said.

“I like to call it Lil’ Takashi,” Lance said.

Shiro looked for that sick nasty mechanical arm Allura was working on, but all he found was a seven foot _beast_ of a woman standing next to him. “What happened to that mechanical arm.”

It was literally laying there right next to Allura’s feet. She discretely nudged it under the table. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. This was the plan all along. It was actually Lance’s idea.”

“It’s the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. It will annihilate Keith’s asshole,” Lance said, _and mine too,_ he uttered internally, because no one must know.

Shiro slips off the table like a gelatinous slug fresh from the whorehouse. Unbeknownst to him though he wobbled like a newborn giraffe that had been forcefully ejected from the womb onto the floor. Two seven foot dild’s had been where his muscular thighs once bulged. 

“Holy Lord and Christ, our heavenly savior here on this mortal earth, Mother Mary save me from redemption,” Shiro said, regarding his new legs.

“Wha—?” Pidge burped.

“Why’d you chop off my legs?” Shiro asked.

“Wha-AT?” she burped again. Pidge suffered from an illness called acid reflux. Symptoms included nausea, sick-nasty heartburn, kidney failure, mumps, measels, and you being a little bitch. The only antidote is drinking a cup of lube every hour (if only Keith would allow her that much). 

Shiro was in such a daze that he stumbled and fell on his dildo (which one though). In all honesty he was in a delirious state that his hallucinations were causing hallucinations. His legs maybe _felt_ like twenty-foot dildos, but really, he was just weak at the knees. As he fell, Lance dramatically caught him and was like, “You fell for me.”

“I fell because my legs aren’t working,” Shiro slurred, head dropping to the side as he slouched in Lance’s arms.

“That happens to _anyone_ who ‘falls’ for you,” Pidge remarked, and yelped at the glare Lance gave her.

“Fuck off. Are you suggesting I break peoples’ legs?”

“Partially. I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised,” she said, and went off on a burping-tangent as Allura stood there guarding the place she hid the mechanical arm. 

“I did as you said and his arm is functional,” Allura declared, gesturing to Shiro’s twenty-foot dick— _cough_ , She means dildo. Lance flopped it around a little and shrugged. 

“Depends on what you mean by _functional_ ,” he confessed, propping his chin on his hand. “I mean, I could definitely find some purposes for it.”

Shiro was still half-unconscious.

“Besides, how’s he gonna walk around when his legs don’t work?” Lance asked. 

“They work fine. He’s just getting over the medicine,” she said. “Now tell me where you last saw Keith so I can prevent him from harming anyone else.”

“Okay, but question: Why did you have him in captivity?” Hunk asked, calling out from the open door across the room. “I have been concerned about this since Chapter One: Damsel Standards.”

“Oh, that’s easy. I made a deal with Zarkon, and it’s a mutual understand with Keith,” she explained with a shrug. “I’ve never concealed him from what he is because there’s no way around it. Whenever the moon is out at night—notice that the moon is out sometimes during the day, but that doesn’t affect Keith—he goes into a rabid, blood-thirsty, vampiric state much like that of your average vampire.”

“Vampires are like that 24/7, ri-IGHT?” Pidge burped. “So what makes Keith so special?”

“That’s what we’ve been trying to figure out. So Zarkon has no clue where Keith is as a part of our agreement, and I keep Keith out of harms way and out of the way of the people. We’ve been hoping to find a cure based on the part of him that keeps him human during the daytime—or the part of him that transforms him into a blood-thirsty beast of nature.”

“That seems… totally scientifically possible. I’m on board,” Lance said. “So you think there’s a cure?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say _that—_ ”

“Sure sounds like it! C’mon, let’s go find Keith,” Pidge interrupted, marching towards the door. The rest of them fell in order behind her, marching down the stairs like a line of ducks plus one twenty-foot dildo trailing behind them. 

Pidge led the way out of the ravine, and down the road for a while. There was a two-line break not actually included because She was too lazy to follow through with it, and also, She didn’t want to break up the paragraphs in fear of each section being far too short for her liking. But they ended up at the rock face eventually, with evidence of the blood from Shiro’s de-arming smeared across the wall in a splotch that looked a helluva lot like a loon.

“That is one bloody good duck,” Lance commented.

“Ducks?” Allura said, crouching down to get a look at the loon. Her hip popped and booty giggled, and Pidge and Hunk grappled for stability. “That’s right! I know _exactly_ where Keith would go. Follow me.”

“You do?” Hunk asked. “Just based on some ducks?”

“Well, Keith loves ducks. Didn’t you notice his duck-themed bedroom?”

Lance leaned over to Pidge and whispered, “ _That’s_ what people notice about his bedroom?” Though, there really was no reason for Lance to focus on Keith’s rubber ducky-printed comforter, especially not when he was funneling all his energy into Keith’s asshole.

Shiro walked ahead of him, dildo arm _dragging_ behind them all. If being Rapunzel had a job requirement of dangling something on the ground (i.e. hair, dildo), then Shiro fit the bill now.

“I kinda wish he had a magpie themed room. What’s his room like?” Hunk asked.

“ _Enough_ with the _magpies—_ ” Pidge whined.

“You’re too Straight™ to know what Keith’s room is all about,” Lance said. 

“Can we stop talking about Keith’s room for a second?” Shiro insisted. “Where will we find Keith?”

Well, they found out as soon as they reached the nearest town. All the buildings were basically stacked on top of each other in a tizzy from Keith’s rampage. He probably just cycloned through and deuced out of there. They had to play hopscotch around the bodies strewn heedlessly across the road, and they even found Shiro’s arm at the end of it all. It was lit.

Literally. His arm was on _fire_. 

“Even dismembered your arm is hot,” Lance said.

“Lance, please,” Shiro sighed. 

“You could say… this is a little _disarming_ ,” Pidge mused aloud, and as Shiro left them with a groan, Lance discretely gave her a high-five.

Allura stood on the sidelines, hands on her might-fine hips, and surveyed the area. “We aren’t too far. By the time he reached The Snuggly Duckling, the moon would have vanished based on your description of the events,” she thought aloud, pointing down the road. “Just up here.”

They walked a ways to get to The Snuggly Duckling’s sign. It was so cute Hunk would have taken a picture of it had they had the technology to do so. But due to world building, he could not, in fact, take a picture. Shiro stood in front of it scowling. “ _This_ is where we’ll find Keith.”

“He loves ducks. What can I say?” Allura said, shrugging as she walked ahead of them.

“But what _I_ want to know,” Pidge said, “is why Zarkon would put prize money up for anyone who found and retrieved his son.”

“He likes to fuck with people. I’m sure he would pay handsomely if you found the cure—but that isn’t likely,” Allura said, which caused Pidge to skid to a halt outside The Snuggly Duckling. They went on in, which left Hunk and Pidge lingering on the outside considering the consequences of their actions.

Pidge cursed, “Shit. We found him for nothing.”

“Well, not _nothing_ if we find the cure to vampirism,” Hunk insisted. “According to _Skyrim_ , we just need to turn him into a werewolf.”

“ _Seriously_? Isn’t _Skyrim_ that slutty erotic fantasy series you’ve been reading for the past five months?”

“Yeah. It’s good. I’m onto _Elder Scrolls: Tamriel Online_ now. It’s kinda crowded.”

“What the fuck’s _th-AT_ supposed to mean?” she burped out. Hunk shrugged. “Whatever. Is being a werewolf the only way out of it?”

“Not really. You could use a black soul gem and kill somebody. But I don’t really want to kill anyone,” he confessed.

“Too late because that’s _exactly_ what we’re going to do,” she said, slamming her fist into her palm. “We’ll cure Keith’s vampirism, and get an even _higher_ reward from Zarkon. Sound good?”

“Sounds _awful_. Where are we gonna find a black _soul gem_?”

Pidge seethed a little. Why didn’t Hunk have any _confidence_ in _any_ of their ideas? Granted, very few of them turned out well, but… this was their chance at redemption! They’d just have to shake Shiro, Lance, and Allura eventually and claim the winnings for themselves. And if it meant killing them all, then so be it. Pidge happened to be a poisons _master_.

They headed for the front door of The Snuggly Duckling. They could hear the racket in there before they even got around to stepping over the threshold, and seeing—

—Allura blocking the way. 

“ _Fuck_. What the fuck’s going on?” Pidge bit out, trying to see around that beast of a woman. Allura stepped to the side, apologizing for being in the way, but Pidge’s attention was already elsewhere.

Because The Snuggly Duckling was a _fucking strip club_.

“We found Keith pole dancing,” Allura explained, arms crossed, and ducked to avoid a chair swinging over their heads. “He made friends with all the regulars here.”

“Really? Like _who—_ the _fuck_!” Hunk cried out, squeaking in alarm as he promptly realized they were surrounded by people equal to his size, but a dozen times more terrifying than himself. They wore _wife beaters_ and _snapbacks_ and _trousers exposing their undergarments_. It was unseemly. They were covered in tattoos and some had gold and silver for teeth. They snarled at Hunk whenever he made eye contact, so he just closed his eyes and pretended he wasn’t even at The Snuggly Duckling at all.

Pidge barged into the place because she was low to the ground and could crowd-dodge like nobody’s business. She came to where Shiro stood, staring up at the indoor balcony where they could see Keith straddling and dry-humping the railing surrounded by guys fighting Lance off from getting to Keith. 

Keith’s clothes were absolutely _soaked_ in blood, and maybe that was why all the guys in the club revered him—only _hardcore dudes_ had blood on their shirt. Pidge could one-up them _easy_ if they caught her at the right time of the month.

“Keith, get _down here_ right now!” Lance demanded, jabbing his finger towards the ground. “Or I swear to _God—_ ”

“You’ll what? _Punish me?_ ” Keith taunted, words slurred as he accepted a drink from one of the guys. It was _glowing_ and probably _radioactive_ but he shot it back without a problem.

“What the fuck was that?” Shiro demanded. “What are they giving him?” 

“Quintessence shots,” someone said. “They supposedly make you _invisibly drunk_. You wanna try some?”

“Hoe don’t do it,” Pidge pleaded. Even she knew that sounded like a shit-awful idea.

Shiro took the shot glass filled with glowing yellow liquid. It looked like Optimus Prime’s piss, and Shiro drank every bit of it. He probably did it for the satisfaction of hearing Keith howl from the balcony and shout, “Hell yeah! Cheers! Nice dick! I mean dildo!”

“You want this!” Shiro shouted, raising up his dildo arm. Half of The Snuggly Duckling hollered in tune with Keith. “Then get the fuck down here right now!”

“No can do!” Keith yelled. “I’m not coming down. Until _every last one of you fuckers_ pole dances in my honor!”

Cheers went up under Keith’s pseudo-title, High Jarl. “Where in the living Hell did that name come from?” Pidge asked, and looked back at where Allura and Hunk were approaching. “Aren’t you gonna do something? You’re, like, on steroids—can’t you hop up there and snatch him down?”

“What? No. He’s having a good time.”

“What kind of _vampire hunter_ are you?” Pidge snarled, and was held-back by Shiro. She could feel his muscles quacking from the quintessence shot, so his hold didn’t last.

He staggered back, bumping into a post as his pupils dilated. He was so fucking lit, his hair caught on fire and they had to use a fire extinguisher to put it out. The white foam dyed part of his hair, and Lance thought to himself, _As if this man couldn’t get any sexier_.

Shiro’s already-thin shirt gave off the distinctive sound of threads snapping. One flex and the fabric ripped straight off of him, shedding the multicolored light across his exposed chest and thighs. He was completely butt-naked in the middle of The Snuggly Duckling, and he was _only getting started_.

“[Bitch,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ay3wex7g3A)” Allura said.

“Feliz navi _dad_ ,” Pidge said.

“Happy _kwanzaa_ ,” Hunk said.

“ _Oooh fuck me_ ,” Lance said, jizzing himself.

Keith ripped open the front of his pants. “ _Come thruuuu Daddy! Yaaas!_ ” Keith screamed at the top of his lungs, and up went the chorus of, “ _Yas Daddy Yaaas!_ ” across the entire club.

The wife beaters came _off_ and twirled around in the air in the slow-motion of glistening, sweaty pecs and biceps and armpit hair. Cue “Straight™” guys licking their lips at one another and _curling_ their hips out on the stages, swirling them all “sexy” and “hot.” Hunk was all about that Straightness because it was 100% Straight™ nothing but Straight™ guys being dudes.

The second Lance got up there, it was all Gay™ and nothing but the Gay™. He had the club in a _trance_ because that man could _really_ move his hips like a god. Those arms were made for bench-pressing guys _and_ girls, which meant he could hold himself up and twist around that pole like a fucking champ. He _lived_ for the pole. He had, like, twenty in his hideout. For workout purposes.

The quintessence shots were a hit. They sent everyone into a giddy daze except Allura. She was immune. But everyone else was high as shit this wasn’t alcohol this was straight up _liquid drugs_. And Shiro and Keith ate it up like water and Lance called out from the pole, pointing at them, saying, “Take a fucking sip, babes, because I’m turnin’ the heat up to _a hundred degrees_!”

His shirt ripped down the middle. He threw it into the screaming crowd because _fuck_ these Straights™ could appreciate a Gay Man™ when they saw one. Lance had them eating out of the palm of his hand—literally. They started doing shots out of his cupped palm, or sending a spray of sprinkling yellow glow sticks into the air just by flinging it up over all their heads. 

Pidge and Allura both pole danced because everyone else was, but that wasn’t the important part. The important part was when everyone awaited the High, the Mighty, _Takashi Shirogane_ as he stepped up onto the platform in a stumbling, giddy daze.

“All right, all right, _I’ll do it_ ,” he slurred, waving a hand at the masses. He kissed his fingers and pointed at Keith up on the balcony, who was a hot, panting mess on the railing. Keith whipped out his dick. “This one’s for you, babe!”

“ _Fuck. Yes_.” Keith breathed, pumping his arm in the air and starting a chant.

They were all so fucking ready for Shiro. All of their bodies were ready. Legs—practically doing the splits. Nipples—erect. Pupils—dilated. And just seeing Shiro’s naked body up there preparing to lather up the pole with his _gorgeous bod_ was too much for Hunk to handle. Hunk had to leave the premises.

Shiro grabbed onto the pole. He flung himself up. And he slipped straight off and fucking crashed into the stage because he didn’t fucking have two arms. He had a twenty-foot dildo for an arm.

“That was fucking perfection,” Keith moaned from the balcony. “I’m coming down now.”

Keith scampered down the stairs accompanied by a horde of “Straights™”. He spun around the post and scrambled over to Lance where he flung himself into Lance’s arms, legs around his waist, and kissed the fucking hell out of him. It was like he was eating Lance’s face for breakfast. All the while he panted, “You were—so fucking—hot up there babe. Shit.”

“O God,” Lance breathed in between kisses. “You’re covered—in blood—you taste—like blood.”

“Fuck yeah. Isn’t it hot?”

“Kind of tastes like coins in my mouth, if I’m being honest,” Lance confessed with a wince, leaning back from Keith and setting him down on the ground. “But then again I’m kinda sober. Shiro would probably appreciate it.”

Keith scrambled up onto the stage and leant over Shiro’s fallen body. Keith’s dick was still out all over the place and Allura came over and unclasped a belt from around her waist. She locked it around his hips and explained to Pidge, “When he gets drunk he likes to whip it out. So this belt has a lock on it.”

She clasped it and tried it to make sure his trousers wouldn’t come undone again. Keith weaseled his way onto the stage, flopping around to crawl over to Shiro. Shiro looked up at him, dizzy and smiling. “How was that?” he asked.

“Magnificent. You were like a swan,” Keith said. “Or a duck.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They kissed until Shiro pulled away and said, “You taste like my arm.”

“Sorry. I like your new arm though. I’m glad you used the one I named after you.”

“I’m sure you do like it,” Shiro sighed, sitting up and looking to where Allura was waiting beside the pole dancing stage. “Time to head back?”

Keith glanced over his shoulder at Allura, who sighed regretfully, “Yeah. Time to head back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mogi bought quintessence shots for the whole bar. You can blame that on her.
> 
> Literally I have no clue what happened. I blacked out this entire chapter for good reason. You know why now. Also, emojis don't show up in the HMTL so I took a screenshot of that one line. I had to.


	6. 10/10 done with this bullshit

That night Pidge was Not About The Sex™ that Keith was 10/10 going to instigate that evening, considering both Shiro and Lance were Lit™ off of Quintessence Shots™. So, naturally, Pidge stole Keith and Noped™ out of there with Hunk on her heels.

There’s really no rhyme or reason as to how they managed to sneak Keith past Allura. The woman was the epitome of Ready For Anything™, but she didn’t seem at all prepared for Pidge to swoop out of there with Keith in her arms as Hunk screamed, “Everyone stay calm! Stay calm! Nothing to see here!”

“Okay,” Allura said, and went back to business. But there was totally something to see there as Pidge and Hunk hightailed it out of there and onto the road where they totally highjacked a wagon and stuffed Keith into the back.

Now, you might be wondering, “What did Keith think of all of this?” But really, Keith was so sex-deprived and he was having dildo-withdrawals so he was completely out of it so long as Hunk sat there saying, “Nope. No, I’m so straight. I’m too straight for this,” while Keith moaned, “But _pleeease_? Just be gay for, like, two seconds. It’ll be real quick.”

“Just do it, Hunk,” Pidge ordered, pissed off by Keith’s incessant whining and groping over Hunk. 

“No way! Nope. I am _not_ going to bend my straight stick for a sex-deprived muffin,” Hunk insisted. Just as he said it, Keith tried to take Allura’s No-No belt off and Hunk had to slap his hands away for the twelfth time. It was like trying to tolerate a spoilt brat who couldn’t keep their hands off the merchandise. They’d just whip out their arm to touch a clay pot in a museum, just to see the look on their parents’ faces. 

So naturally, Keith frantically grabbed at Hunk and got his pants half-off before Hunk squealed, “Whoa! Hey, keep your hands to yourself!”

“I was! But you weren’t letting me!”

“Not— _Jesus_ , not like _that_!” Hunk whined, half-sobbing as he cried, “ _Pidge_ , c’mon, can’t I drive the wagon for a lil bit? Just a little?”

She pulled the wagon over with a groan. “ _Ugh_ , fine. Whatever.”

Hunk scrambled up to the front seat again while Pidge held Keith back from following him, insisting that _she_ was in charge now. Which meant that if he wanted to—cautiously, of course, take it slow—he could keep his hands to himself. 

Within ten seconds of driving, Hunk regretted it instantly because for literally an entire _mile_ , Keith became the loudest fucking masturbater on the planet. It was like trying to sleep next to both an airport and twelve sets of train tracks all hauling those stupid fucking monkeys that clank cymbals together. Except all the monkeys were screaming, “ _FUCK. YES. LANCE GODDAMN SHIRO YAAAAAS._ ”

“Oh my fucking God,” Hunk muttered to himself. “This day has been a _nightmare_.” All he wanted to do was find a nice hostel, some food, and call it a night. 

Keith’s voice got all squeaky and high-pitched near the end, and when it was all done for, Pidge said loudly, “OKAY, okay, that was—” She cleared her throat, “That was something else. Can’t say I’ve ever witnessed something like that before but you know what? It builds character. Now Keith, what’ll it be? Werewolf or weird dark magic chanting. Wiggle our hands in the air, start some fires, summon some demons… What’ll it be.”

“Werewolf, obviously,” Keith said. “I’ve always wanted to be a cryptid. I mean, ideally, fuck a cryptid, but that will still be on my bucket list regardless.”

Hunk barked out a laugh, and Pidge slapped him for it with a hiss. “ _Don’t_ you dare. We just got out of there,” she snapped at him. 

“Sorry, it’s just—that’s kind of ironic, isn’t it?” he said. 

“ _Hunk_. Don’t do it.”

“Do what?” Keith said. “Do you guys know a cryptid? Could you guys hook me up or something?”

“This isn’t _drugs we’re talking about_. Christ,” Pidge groaned. “And quite honestly I’d prefer drugs right now.”

“Oh man, I know a guy. We’re coming up right now,” Hunk said, and the wagon _Swerved™_ to the side of the road where the world seemed to go like one of those tunnel shots where the camera suddenly zoomed hella fast before dragging to a halt at the front door of a drug Lorde Hunk was buddies with.

The three of them hopped out of the wagon for the quick pit stop regardless of the time sensitivity of night fast approaching. Pidge knocked heavily on the door and then they waited, and after they heard a multitude of locks come undone, the door cracked open to show the face of a delusion orange imp staring with wide, bloodshot eyes and that stupid fucking grin on his face.

He looked over Pidge and to Hunk before shrieking, “Hunk! You’ve come back!”

“I never even knew you did drugs,” Pidge said to Hunk.

“Gotta make it through the day _somehow_ ,” he said as he shook the man’s hand. “Hey Coran, nice to see you again.”

The orange beast—Coran—held open the door for them and gave Keith a sneak peak of his horrible orange spray tan that _obviously_ wasn’t real, but they all pretended it was for the sake of appeasing the drug Lorde. Because sometimes they had to tolerate a Cheeto if it meant surviving four years in the real-life approximation of hell haha ha. *clears throat awkwardly* And also to get drugs.

  


  


Little did they know that Lance was 10/10 not okay with this. 

“Those little shits. I bet they never even planned on paying me back,” he seethed as they all left the Snuggly Duckling, more or less disappointed by the outcome of hangovers and a no-show with Keith, Pidge, and Hunk.

“I’m sure they didn’t,” Shiro sighed, patting him on the shoulder as they walked onto the road. “So now what? We have no way to determine where they went. Are you able to track them?” he asked Allura, who shrugged as she observed the multitude of wagon tracks and hoof prints in the mud.

“Not likely. It’s easier to follow Keith when he’s on foot, or when I know where he’s likely to go,” she explained. “But it seems like Hunk and Pidge are at the wheel. Literally.”

Lance scuffed his boots over the prints and sighed. He was _so ready_ for more sexy-time with Keith. So that was disappointing. Really, he just wanted to sweep Keith off his feet and take him some place nice. Like… back to the tower so they could be sure that Keith wouldn’t kill them there. Or… back to his home… he liked that idea far more. Would he have to get a cage set up like the one Allura made out of Keith’s bedroom? He supposed he could root out one of his underground storage cellars for Keith—those doors were hardcore enough to hold back a vampire…

And his underground network certainly had enough room to house him…

“Where do you suppose they took him?” Allura asked. “We’ve got to find them before dark. They’d be fine if it was a new moon, but that isn’t for another few days.”

“You keep track of the moon cycles?” Shiro asked.

“Yes. On a new moon I always take Keith out. We hit up the bars,” she explained. “S’why I knew he’d be at the Snuggly Duckling. That’s his favorite tavern.”

“ _WAIT!_ ” Lance exclaimed, causing them all to freeze in their places. “Hang on! I think I can track him. I just—okay, this is going to be a weird thing to ask, so just… don’t question it.”

“Okay,” Allura agreed, while Shiro looked more or less concerned about the warning.

“I can track him. I just need, like… the smell of his semen. You know, to get me going.”

“ _What_ kind of _horseshit—_ ” Shiro started, but jumped in surprise when Allura whipped out a tube of something white from her fanny pack.

“Sometimes I hire out to do my tracking,” she explained. “Something like this has happened before so I keep it on me just in case,” she added in hopes of pacifying the horror on Shiro’s expression. Lance plucked the vial out of her hand and quirked an eyebrow at Shiro as he popped the cap on it, as if preparing to chug a bottle of beer. 

“Wait—” Shiro started, and grimaced as Lance took a huge whiff out of the vial before handing it back to Allura. “Okay— _gross_ , and also, how is this supposed to help? What do you mean by _hiring out?_ ”

“I can’t track all vampires on my own,” she explained as she pocketed the vial of cum and shrugged. “Besides. I have this theory that vampires are chronic sex-addicts, considering most of my calls come from one-night stands of vampires. Prostitutes. Strippers. Their step-siblings… _OH_! But you’re talking about _who_ I hire out. Mothmen, mostly. They track the smell of semen.”

“Are you _fucking serious—_ ”

“C’mon! Let’s go! I’ve got a scent and little patience for this bullshit!” Lance ordered, untying the nearest horse and mounting it without hesitation. Shiro was so disoriented that he didn’t even think twice about letting Lance run off with a stolen horse. Allura turned to Shiro with a shrug and took her own horse to follow Lance. 

Trapped, Shiro looked desperately for some other option aside form thievery. But there didn’t seem to be another option, so he took the closest horse that resembled his own appearance—black, white a white patch between its eyes—and hurriedly took off down the road after them.

They were riding for a while as Shiro was suddenly bombarded by PTSD memories of Keith’s sex dungeon, and how insane he must have been to think that even an inch of that room was normal. Who even progressed that far, or even indulged that kind of fantasy? He shook it from his head, but it only seemed to color itself in more vivid images considering he had a dildo drawing behind him that Keith held up and named “Shiro.” 

He cleared his throat awkwardly and called out to Allura. “Um, so… I have a question for you,” he said, and she fell back in step with him. “I was… I was just thinking about Keith? And… did _you_ buy Keith all those… you know…”

“The fake penises he mounted? Hell yeah I ordered them from the Dildo Department.”

“The what?”

“Yeah. You send in an order slip and in a fortnight they show up with a box of dildos. It’s great. We have a subscription—they send us new shit every month.”

“So did you… encourage this? From, like, an early age or something? What I mean is—was it _your_ idea, I guess,” he said, afraid that she’d be furious by the accusation, but she just shrugged and shook her head.

“Not really. His first word was ‘dick’ and Zarkon was so pissed. He went around the castle demanding, ‘Who the hell is Dick? My name’s not ‘Dick’.’” Allura exclaimed, donning a storytelling voice as she mimicked Zarkon by throwing her arms up furiously.

“Okay—you’re totally lying to me there. His first word could _not_ have been ‘dick.’”

“It definitely was. You could ask Zarkon yourself and if he says, ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ then you know I told the truth,” she said, and sighed fondly at the memories of it. “We held off on letting him have one until he was fifteen. I’ll never forget that day.”

“Why?”

“[It was traumatic.](http://trust.tumblr.com/post/162367617779) I let him pick—I still have the catalogue—which I really shouldn’t have let him pick. It was a ten inch liquid silicone dildo with a suction cup end so he could mount it on whatever surface he wanted. I didn’t know he was trying it out and I thought he was in pain or something. He had it mounted on the bathroom door and I didn’t even knock. I opened the door and _ripped it_ out of his asshole—by accident!—and I was so surprised that I slammed the door shut and practically _impaled him on it_. Through his anus!

“Anyway, there was a lot of blood and you’d think there’d be some negative impact getting his sphincter ripped out by a dildo. Like, why would he want dick again after that? He couldn’t make eye contact with me for a solid two weeks until the next one came in.”

Shiro couldn’t make eye contact with her after that.

  


  


Keith couldn’t really comprehend anything that was happening because his brain was just _gone_. It was nonexistent. Though deep down, he was certain he felt like this for the sake of Hunk’s sanity. Suddenly, though, he felt bizarrely normal, which meant that he felt guilty for hitting on Hunk so hardcore. He should probably apologize.

Even normal, though, he still thought about Shiro and Lance and how fucking hot they were. How was anyone allowed to be so good-looking? Had he come on to them the wrong way? Did he take it too fast? How could they be interested in him after the whole Snuggly Duckling ordeal…

 _Shit_. He probably screwed up everything with that. They probably thought he was a slut—which he was! He wasn’t denying that part—but it made him feel bad nonetheless. Did they assume he liked them less after being fawned over by so many guys? Was he even _allowed_ to like the both of them at the same time? Something about that just seemed wrong—not for the morals of it, but just the plausibility of it. No god would allow a single man to indulge his wildest fantasies on two beautiful, hot, sexy, naked, erect, panting, sweaty, muscular—

The drugs were wearing off.

“Aaaand we’re here! Awesome! Let’s do this,” Hunk announced. “A lot of huntresses hang out here. I bet—”

“Wait, did you say _huntress_? Why… do we need a huntress?” Pidge asked, hands on her hips as Hunk pinched his fingers to his lips.

“Um… we need the blood of a huntress when she’s in werewolf form. I figured we could just, you know… waltz in and… ask…”

“You do realize Allura’s a vampire hunter, right?” Keith said. “That makes her a huntress.”

“Where is this logic coming from?” Hunk asked. 

_There wasn’t supposed to be world logic in here_ , the mighty She said internally, worriedly, realizing quickly that world logic meant the need for a series plot. _Wait, there’s a plot now?_ She asked herself, and as the words echoed like wind around the trio, it donned on them that this wasn’t porn without plot anymore. This was serious.

Kind of.

“So you’re telling me… we could have just _asked Allura_ for a bit of her blood and be done with it?” Pidge said. “What the hell? Why didn’t you explain the process sooner?”

Hunk winced again, “I just—I didn’t think— _werewolves_ are the ones who hunt vampires?”

“Yeah, how do you think she tracks? She’s got the instincts of a wolf,” Keith said. “Which also means that even if she _had_ my scent she wouldn’t be able to follow it on a wagon, especially when it’s raining.”

“It’s raining?” Pidge said, and a sudden downpour washed over them as she muttered, “Oh. Yeah, it’s raining.”

They took shelter in the tavern, hurriedly rushing in through the front door and slamming it behind them. Their clothes were drenched, hair sopping, and as they turned around, they realized that the entire pub was now silent and watching them. Pidge didn’t realize why until she looked and found that the entire pub was filled with towering, monstrous women all glaring at Hunk and Keith—the only two men in the pub.

“Uh…” Keith squeaked in partial terror. It was like being surrounded by two dozen Alluras, which… wasn’t an entirely comforting scene.

Though, Pidge was definitely in heaven. 

“What’s a _vampire_ doing here?” one of them all but spat, stepping up and towering over Keith. He cowered against Hunk, whimpering, “Help me!”

“Oh, geez, that is—that is definitely _not_ what we brought him here for,” Hunk insisted. “We just—Uh… we need your blood.”

“Ex _cuse me?_ ” she hissed at him, and with a snap of her fingers, the entire pub ganged up and whipped out their knives, their arrows, their daggers and maces. Pidge’s lust for them was momentarily floored in the face of danger. 

“This… This wasn’t my best idea,” Hunk squeaked. “ _RUN!_ ”

Keith was the first one out of the pub, barely dodging the knife that struck the door on his exit. Hunk and Pidge followed, fast on their feet, dodging arrows and daggers along the way. Someone threw their boot at them as they scrambled into the wagon. Keith grappled for the front seat, clinging to it as he chanting, “ _Go, go, go!_ ” 

They were on the road, cutting through the rain in a blur. The water pelted their cheeks and—

_—As I examined them, the youngest looked up and met my gaze, this time with evident curiosity in his expression. As I looked swiftly away, it seemed to me that his glance held some kind of unmet expectation._

_“Which is the boy with the reddish brown hair?” I asked. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye, and he was still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today—he had a slightly frustrated expression. I looked down again._

_“That’s Edward. He’s gorgeous, of course, but don’t waste your time. He doesn’t date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.” She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he’d turned her down._

_I bit my lip to hide my smile. Then I glanced at him again. His face was turned away, but I thought his cheek appeared lifted, as if he were smiling, too._

—And so She never once thought of a Volvo as anything other than something straight out of _Twilight_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm exhausted here you go. 10/10 done with this bullshit.
> 
> If I use meme references I usually link it at the start of the sentence 'cause I gotta give credit where credit is due XD (Which also means I totally took a bit of Twilight out there because it was necessary).
> 
> Also, if you aren't aware, I'm writing a [Psychopath Keith AU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11309598/chapters/25309524) that's both Shance and Klance because I like to Suffer™. Also, you can find me on [Tumblr as well](http://girlskylark.tumblr.com/).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Knight In Shining Armor Ultimatum Side Story](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11163405) by [spinsters_grave](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spinsters_grave/pseuds/spinsters_grave)




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